By Michael Slezak
Updated October 10, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

‘Twould be an understatement to say that it’s a weak crop of contenders vying to ”live every woman’s ultimate fairytale fantasy of leaving her dignity dead in a dumpster to marry a real-life Italian prince” (or something like that) on this season of The Bachelor: Rome. Consider some of the nine women who scored a rose off randy Lorenzo last night.

There’s, like, the frontrunner, Lisa, whose, like totally super-perky tree-hugger exterior, like, hides the heart of a viciously competitive she-beast. ”I’m only 25, but I have my whole life mapped out and my perfect scenario would be to be engaged in a year, married in two, and kids in five,” she said, her eyes burning with husband-hunting fervor. Abso-frakkin-lutely terrifying, people.

Then there’s Agnese, whose grasp of the English language is, shall we say, limited at best. Hmm, if it’s not conversation, I wonder why Lorenzo’s keeping her in the mix?

addCredit(“The Bachelor Rome: Craig Sjodin”)

We also have Gina, who suffers from that disease your mother always warned you about. You know, ”Don’t make that horrible scowl! Your face could freeze like that!” syndrome.

Don’t forget Desiree, the chick who broke into the Bachelor’s room to get a whiff of his bedsheets (would I make that up?), but not before promising to be the kind of wife who’d visit Lorenzo’s office on a regular basis to score a little afternoon delight. Classy!

Last, but not least, there’s tore-down, tiara-totin’ debutante Erica (pictured), who’s still trying to hire one of her fellow bachelorettes to clean her quarters, and can’t understand why Lorenzo won’t join her in trash-talking women who don’t have a college degree. ”He makes me feel like a bad person because he grew up obviously, like, having an even more privileged life than I did, and he doesn’t judge people, and I do, and I don’t know why,” she sobbed, fearing rose-ceremony elimination. Lucky for her, Kim got plastered on the group date, passed out in a lounge chair, and mistook the Bachelor for a waiter when she finally returned to consciousness, clearing the way for one more week of Erica.

Nice fairytale, isn’t it?