By Michael Slezak
Updated October 09, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

If I were an emoticon right now, I’d look like this: xx. No, that’s not ”kiss-kiss,” it’s ”emotionally dead.” Because that’s how I feel now that the Carter brothers — Nick and Aaron frakkin Carter, people! — have not only scored a spot on the AOL welcome screen, but also been described as ”Sexy Siblings.” Sexy? Really? Sexy as the little niblet of roast beef that gets caught in your back teeth, the one you spend the afternoon trying to pry free, to the point where the tip of your tongue gets sore? That kind of sexy? I’m so upset I can’t even talk about this right now. I’m goin’ to get a mojito. Bye.