The 10 hottest topics for the week of October 13, 2006

By Scott Brown
Updated October 06, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

Scott Brown?s Hit List of October 13, 2006

1 Liza Minnelli to appear on Law & Order: Criminal Intent She’ll be implicated in the butchery of ”Everything’s Coming Up Roses.”

2 Clay Aiken ”tattoos” Jimmy Kimmel’s face on calf But it’s whispered he’s saving the ”downtown” real estate for Leno.

3 Michael Jackson settles custody battle He now has his dignity on weekends.

4 Secret Service turns Borat away from White House He only got as far as he did because they mistook him for Geraldo.

5 Fox shows go on baseball hiatus …Sort of the same way Jimmy Hoffa went on ”football hiatus.”

6 Anna Nicole Smith and alleged baby-daddy/lawyer ”made a commitment before God” Before God what? Decided it was time for another meteorite?

7 Thomas Pynchon’s niece is porn actor-director Improbable names? Elliptical story lines? They’re practically in the same business.

8 Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Costner rule box office Note troubling lack of the phrase ”in alternate universe.”

9 Scarlett Johansson declared Sexiest Woman Alive Should she become unable to perform her sexy duties, the mantle will pass to Vice President Dick Cheney.

10 To confuse paparazzi, Clooney vows to date everyone The Evite says I’m No. 4,567,854, responsible for half the tab, and expected to put out.