On ''Desperate Housewives,'' fights, labor, a corpse, and inappropriate toasts combine to make Bree's day special

By Lindsay Soll
Updated October 02, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
Credit: Desperate Housewives: Ron Tom

Desperate Housewives

A very ”Desperate Housewives” wedding

The episode opens with Bree obsessing over all of the meticulous details of her wedding day. (Go figure.) But why the rush to get married? I mean it’s only been one episode since they got engaged. Helping to plan the perfect wedding so quickly does not give a whole lot of time for the other ladies to snoop around about Orson. I’m glad Susan decided to get off her ”key lime ass” and investigate.

Turns out there are others in the world who are just as OCD as Bree. According to Laurie Metcalf’s Carolyn, when the police checked Orson’s house after Alma ”disappeared,” the entire place had been scrubbed with bleach. (Translation: He’s hiding something.) Hey, if you’re going to be a killer, you might as well be a clean one!

Susan delivers her findings to the ladies at the church, but Bree is still not convinced. She tells her bridesmaids she has no doubts about Orson, yet she decides to pull him aside during the ceremony and casually ask him if he murdered his wife. He swears he didn’t, and they can now live happily ever after. Right, Bree, because if he was ever planning to admit his dark secret to you, it was going to be right before you’re pronounced man and wife.

Speaking of creepy newcomers to the show, what is up with Nora and her taste in men? And why the heck does Tom care so much? It’s not like he has to sleep with her. (Dear ABC, please don’t ever make Tom cheat on Lynette with Nora — he’s too clean-cut and she’s too frizzy.)

I was thinking the Tom-Lynette-Nora story line was getting incredibly boring until Carlos and Nora started swapping spit at the wedding, leading to a public Gabrielle vs. Carlos spat, which was then cut off far too soon by the breaking of Xiao Mei’s water all over the dance floor. This is the stuff good TV is made of!

The reception continues, once ”they mopped up all the amniotic fluid” (props to Tom for delivering that funny line). Ian gives a touching toast to the newlyweds, even though he has no business being at the wedding except to stalk Susan. What is it about her that makes men fall so fast? Come on — they’re even crashing weddings in her honor. It’s a tad unrealistic.

Again there was no sign of Bree’s kids in this episode, although I noticed Shawn Pyfrom’s and Joy Lauren’s names during the opening credits. One new teen I’m liking a whole lot: Austin, Edie’s adorable nephew, who is not at all coy about his physique. I’m sensing a little fling between Julie and him. As he told Edie after Julie saw him shirtless, ”She couldn’t take her eyes off my abs. I felt violated.”

I was very disappointed that the corpse (who, I should mention, had had all of her teeth pulled out!) was not Alma’s, but then again, what did we really expect? To actually find out some kind of truth about Orson? Yeah right. The real mystery I’d like to uncover: What the heck did he whisper to the dead body before he left the morgue? I rewound my DVR about five times, and all I could make out of it was the word ”Monique.” [Editor’s note: I’m pretty sure he said, ”Tu me manques, Monique,” French for ”I miss you, Monique.”]

Hands down, the best scene of the entire episode was when a black baby popped out of Xiao Mei. The looks on Carlos’ and Gaby’s faces were priceless! Something as ridiculous as embryos being accidentally switched could only happen on this show.

So I leave you guys with a few questions: Do you think Carlos and Gaby will get back together? Will Susan and Ian’s love affair last? Will Lynette ever stand up to Nora and kick her out of their lives for good? And finally, what is the connection between the dead body and Orson?

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