On ''Laguna Beach,'' Rocky and Alex are the cutest couple ever at the winter dance, but Kyndra does something naughty when the cameras aren't running

”Laguna Beach”: The mysterious dance-floor hookup

I’m so over Kelan now. Yes, I’d loved him since the beginning of this season. Yes, I still don’t get why Cameron gets all the action and Kelan gets…Lexie. Who’s ridiculously hot, but a total void on the personality front. And that brings us to why I’m over him: Suddenly Lexie shows up, puts some pink balloons on his car, and he’s falling all over himself to be her date to winter formal? Here’s an idea: Kelan and Tessa. There’s a couple I could get behind.

Anyway, my new BF is Alex anyway. I do realize he’s technically Rocky’s boyfriend. But the thing is that all these boys are (a) illegal and (b) on an opposite coast from me. Point being this is all nothing but theoretical discussion anyway. And Alex is such a keeper. Rocky was all nervous asking him to winter formal and even made him a beach picnic to pop the question. ”I hate formal,” she stuttered. ”I just don’t have any good memories of it.” Still, he was all sensitive and cute and hugged her as the sun set. Yay, young love.

Speaking of young, sweet love, Tyler and Kyndra were strolling along the beach themselves, and…OMG, Tyler totally had his Gucci shoes on, and a wave almost wreaked utter havoc on them! Man, the drama really doesn’t stop on this show, does it? Oh, and obviously this isn’t nearly as important an issue as Tyler’s shoes, but I’m just wondering: Why the hell doesn’t he just go to the damn formal with her? Is that so hard? Am I the only high school graduate (ahem, recent, of course) who remembers a bunch of college dudes coming back for dances with their year-or-two-younger girlfriends? ”The only thing I’m worried about,” Kyndra later told her girlfriends while getting a mani-pedi, ”is losing my morals and my shoes.” Isn’t that the only thing we’re all worried about?

Anyway, the boyfriend I’m totally over, Kelan, really sealed the deal for me when Cameron asked, ”You’re not gonna make a move on Lexie?” and Kelan answered, ”No, dude, I don’t feel like getting rejected.” Well, duh: How about don’t go with her then? Was it actually everyone’s explicit goal with this dance to not have dates that make any sense?

Then they actually went to the dance, theoretically, but we’re not 100 percent sure because the camera crews apparently didn’t have clearance to shoot inside the venue. So what we did see was a bunch of dressed-up kids heading in, then some super-grainy footage (possibly from cell phones?) with lots of quick cuts and Fall Out Boy’s ”Dance, Dance” to distract us. Fun side effect: This provided us with some fancy mystery-type plotting worthy of any new fall drama. What happened on the dance floor that we didn’t see? Okay, so these characters are a little more happy to spill the details than most: ”Did you hook up with anyone?” Kyndra asked Cami. ”I did. Don’t tell anyone.” Cami, God love her, whispered back, with what I’m pretty sure was deliberate irony, given the cameras and everything, ”It’ll be our little secret.”

My new favorite lovebird Rocky, however, provided our Dramatic Reading Selection of the night with some insightful commentary during her postdance analysis with Tessa, after observing that she was losing her voice. Ready? Begin.

Rocky: What happens if I’m in a dark alley and I get taken and I can’t scream for help?

Tessa: You’re not going to be in a dark alley.

Rocky: There are no dark alleys in Laguna.

Tessa: Uh-uh.

Rocky: I love formal. Aaah, I can’t wait till prom.

And, scene.

What do you think? Are these kids particularly dysfunctional, or are all high-school relationships like this? Which regular cast member has shown the least evidence of having a personality? And who is your show crush?

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