By Scott Brown
Updated September 28, 2006 at 07:39 PM EDT

Forbes knows you’re a media-obsessed twit. Forbes wants to help you understand why you’re a media-obsessed twit. And so, from the same relevance-obsessed folks who brought you 12 Captivating Castles, comes… The 10 Most Trustworthy Celebrities!

Tom Hanks aw-shuckses his way to No. 1, meaning that the average American mother would allow him to toss her toddler off Angel Falls, no questions asked. And the reason? Hanks, Forbes discovers, has carefully chosen roles that endear him to us. (What’s more, his magnanimous decision to establish a Wild Scalp Badger Refuge on his own head has impressed the PETA rank-and-file.) As for the others — Ron Howard, Rachael Ray, Ty Pennington, Oprah, Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones — it’s a list that screams cozy Afghans and fireside cocoa, though I guess you don’t really scream those things. A sunny chef, a Christly carpenter, an unchallenging storyteller, the world’s foremost narrator, Darth Vader — these are people you’d trust with your life.

Or would you? Is it all an illusion? Duh, of course it is! You don’tknow these people! But you think you do, and that’s the fascinatingpart. Forbes cites an evolutionary psychologist who says that our brains are no smarter than when we were cavedwellers, so we still confuse realistic images of humans with actual people.

Basically, what he’s saying is: In my mind, Skeet Ulrich and I speara giant sloth roughly once a week, then track it together for days,sharing stories of girls we’ve grunted at and rocks we’ve thrown atother, larger rocks, until at last, we come upon the wounded beast andfinish it off with a screening of Chill Factor. But NONE OF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I just drank too much ‘Meister and fell asleep reading Clan of the Cave Bear. (Again.)

So what do you think of this list, fellow monkey-men? Our celebrity-obsession clearly goes back a long way — whichmeans you’ve had a few million years of evolution to refine your tastein fake star-friends. To what imaginary celebrifriend would you entrustyour deepest ape-secrets?