”America’s Next Top Model”: Makeovers and meltdowns
Howdy, niblets! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your America’s Next Top Model season, where we are kicking things off with, OMG, scandal! No, I’m not talking about Monique’s three-hour psycho-hose-beast phone domination. Tonight’s biggest shocker was the sudden reemergence of wayward photographer Gilles Bensimon.
Missing from the first two award monologues, Bensimon was the suspected victim of foul play until a close examination of other reality shows being broadcast this evening revealed that the Frenchman has actually defected to…Project Runway, where he’ll be shooting this week’s winning designer for Elle. I don’t exactly hablo the Français, but I believe that counts as un coup bas! Un coup dur! C’est un coup à se dégoûter! This is not something that’s easy for me to recover from, because Señor Bensimon’s departure officially drives the last nail into the coffin of former judge and interesting person Janice Dickinson, and leaves us forever adrift in the salty doldrums of Twiggy, Nigel, and Miss J., a.k.a. the Most Boring Individuals Ever to Walk the Earth. Hell, the only even remotely kicky thing that happened for the last 15 minutes of tonight’s show was Miss J.’s implication that Tyra is basically a drag queen, and we’ve all known that for years. Oh, ANTM. Did Project Runway steal your fierce?
Too bad. You’re just going to have to make it work, because we have 12 lovely young ladies standing before us, waiting to — oops, there goes Megan. Megan! Who just last week I described as ”Kim, but less gay” before my editor made me change it because we couldn’t make assumptions about her sexuality! Whaddaya know: Megan = Kim, with just about the same amount of gay! And now, the same amount of gone, after this week’s shoot — involving wigs with moving parts and people called ”weaveologists,” things I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain here — resulted in her looking a bit like a schnauzer with a head cold. While hers was by no means the worst shot nor was she the least attractive girl on the line (both those honors currently go to the aforementioned psycho-hose-beast, in my opinion), the judges put her in the bottom two with Jaeda, then sent her packing. To her credit, she didn’t cry or fall on the floor. She also wrangled a hug out of Tyra, a goodbye Snausage which appears to suddenly be compulsory and no longer relegated to just special cases/nervous breakdowns.
But you don’t care about Megan, do you, niblets? No, you care about the makeovers. Makeovers! Eeeeeee! Brace yourselves: A full third of the girls were given hideous extensions, particularly Megg, who scored a waist-long crimped thing weirdly reminiscent of Anne Hathaway, pre-makeover, in The Princess Diaries. Brooke is now a saggy brunette, Eugena able to wear her hair as a sweater, and CariDee is the love child of Darryl Hannah and about a dozen raw eggs. Meanwhile, Melrose got washed-out blond, the twins are redheads, and Anchal’s forehead is now a five-head. [Insert rant here about how Anchal’s blue contact lenses were deemed a rejection of her heritage, yet moving her hairline back an inch is just practical.] AJ looks pretty much exactly the same, as does Monique, although the latter experienced some sort of weave-related trauma and wouldn’t come out of the bathroom for a while. And then there’s Jaeda, who declared they could shave her head if they wanted ’cause she wouldn’t cry; she’s now a square-jawed Halle Berry lookalike, and she cried the whole way through.
Oh, the crying. Listen, Mr. Jay is not having it, ladies. He is Fed. Up. He’s going home to sleep! And he’s going to come back the next day at the reward challenge and bawl you out again, reminding you of your hideously unprofessional behavior and sniping, ”Today, you get an opportunity to make that up to me.” Well, hello, Mr. Jay! I am looking around for the press release alerting me to this show’s new title, America’s Next Top Woe Be Unto Ye Who Crosseth the Megalomaniacal Photo Director! But no time for that now, it is on to the challenge. The challenge! Which…is a little hard to explain! It involved elevators; Megg and Monique were disqualified and therefore missed the chance to be judged in a sisterly, supportive fashion by Queen Latifah; Eugena won. Very little of that was important…
…except for that part where Monique was disqualified. It is somewhat unclear whether or not being disqualified led Monique to her spectacular THREE-HOUR-AND-THIRTY-ONE MINUTE monopolization of the phone when the gals got back to the house; I will simply quote Melrose, post-challenge: ”Oh, we’re all getting beaten up tonight for sure.” Great. So it’s two eps in, and Monique is already the abusive husband. God bless Anchal for risking her scary-pretty little neck and going in the phone room to confront her. Too bad no one thought to yank on Psych-Mo’s weave during the confrontation or it all may have been over a lot sooner. (As a bonus, all this tension also resulted in Monique doing something involving her wet-towel-clad body and Melrose’s face that was left blissfully non-specific.) Basically, girlfriend is unhinged, and not in a friendly Jade way, either. I think she might stab someone by mid-October.
But I digress, and I’m running out of room. So. Photo shoot. Wigs that moved. Creepy as hell, resulting in some good photos and some photos that looked like subway ads for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s eagerly anticipated Cats sequel, Parakeets. Michelle and Amanda rocked it again. Melrose turned it around after a couple more flashes of bad diva. Megg squinted. A lot of people, oddly enough, looked like drag queens. Comment of the night goes to Nigel, who told Monique: ”I love the picture, but I don’t actually like you in it.” Current odds of Nigel being stabbed by mid-October now stand at 10-1.
What did you think of last night’s episode? Who looks best and worst after the makeovers? Is Monique a ticking time bomb? Did the judges make the right call? And who do you see emerging as the top Top Model contenders?