By Michael Slezak
Updated September 25, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

Dear Gap,

I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for about a week now, but I had to work on controlling my inner rage monkey (like the ones at the beginning of 28 Days Later) so I didn’t damage my keyboard.

I think I’m ready now, though, so here goes: I loathe your new ”The Skinny Black Pant”’ ad campaign (click here to see it), the one where you marry the image of Audrey Hepburn getting jiggy in Funny Face to AC/DC’s ”Back in Black,” and turn her into an unwitting pitchwoman for your product. The woman is dead. She did not ask to have her jaunty moment of movie self-expression turned into an idiotic call to pair a white sock with a black trouser (even if her son approved the message). And no, I am not bitter just because I’m allergic to sit-ups, and therefore not an ideal candidate for a look that’s best displayed over the most slender of physiques. The ubiquity of your campaign — on TV, on billboards, on subways and in magazines — only serves to fuel my fury. There are few things more gag-inducing than having a trend stuffed down your throat (no, actually, not everyone in khakis, okay?!). And worst of all, you’ve managed to make me despise Audrey Hepburn a little bit, and for that reason, I hate you.

Going back to baggy,
Michael Slezak