On ''Laguna Beach,'' we learn that the Queen B-Word has an old boyfriend who's just as vapid and peevish as she is; plus, Tessa replaces Jessica as Cameron's doormat

”Laguna Beach”: Kyndra’s older boyfriend

I must say that I totally love Tyler. In fact, I loved him before I even met him — right around the time Tessa referenced his imminent arrival in her opening narration, saying he is the only one who can put Kyndra in her place. By the time he showed up later in the episode, I was too smitten with that tease to care whether I actually liked him or not. I was already a fan.

And I loved him even more when I heard that he’d recently called Kyndra out of the blue, which seemed to cause Cami some distress because…holy Jesus, I couldn’t concentrate beyond that. I was way too transfixed by Kyndra’s giant cowboy hat with the ”Pink Flamingo” band wrapped around it. It was also at this point that my mother, who is visiting me for the week, walked through with pizza and said, ”What is this?” I really don’t know, Mom.

Tessa, of course, was having boy issues of her own. She was all gushy and smiley while confessing to Rocky’s mom that she’d hooked up with Cameron on their San Diego trip last week. Rocky’s mom, who is a smart woman, asked, skeptically, ”Is Cameron the type that wants to have a full-time girlfriend?” No, Mrs. Rocky. He is not. For the love of God, no! Tessa just grinned dreamily and said, ”I guess so.” Oh, dear, sweet Tessa, I want to take you to tea and explain so many things to you or, better yet, hold you in my arms and shield you from all the evil of the world.

Hey, did we know Cameron plays guitar? Well, he does, or at least he shops for them at Guitar Center. As Nick the Playa Enabler noted, because apparently this needed clarification, ”Guitar Center is not the place to meet chicks.” Ah, but he was going somewhere with this — somewhere called the extended metaphor: ”Basically, if you think about it, you’re just shopping around for girls.” Yes, Nick, if I think about it, that is so true. But I don’t. So never mind.

When Alex H. showed up at lunch with Jessica and proudly displayed the tiniest cross tattoo ever on her wrist, my mother said, ”This is really a show? That people watch?” Gosh, I love my naive Guest Watchers. It just never gets old, seeing people react to this thing for the first time. Especially when this passes as dialogue (in a debate as to whether Jessica should attend Cameron’s forthcoming birthday soiree):

Alex H.: Just stop by!

Jessica: Like should I?

Alex H.: Like yes!

It was here that I looked at my mother and said, ”Just wait for the big plot twist. It’ll blow your mind. See, there are these people on the other side of the island….”

Back to Love of My Life Tyler. Who naturally isn’t close to what he’s cracked up to be. He’s just a vaguely vacant So Cal boy vessel onto whom Kyndra can project all of her pent-up lifelong expectations and fantasies as to What Love Truly Is. That, and he apparently gives good bling, because she was wearing some ring he once gave her that was ”too big to wear every day,” not to mention that ”there’s so many, like, cuts on it.” After that convo, it was time for his big confession of feelings: ”I was just seein’ if you wanted to start things up again.” And then they made out. Which pretty much encapsulates high school relationships, really: Fight, break up, see each other again, make out, repeat. (And yo: Props to the crew on that camera work in the post-Tyler massage-table convo between Kyndra and Cami. The shots of their faces through the holes in the tables were priceless.)

Did anybody get a little nostalgic hearing Jason talk to Tyler on the golf course about how great things were with Lauren? Yeah, me neither. I did, however, get a little misty for the old days when Jessica told Cami at Cameron’s party that Tyler and Kyndra’s liaison was ”the most dysfunctional relationship ever. That’s like worse than me and Jason.”

To wit, our reconciled lovebirds were out on their date for about two seconds (edited Laguna Beach time) before they were all snippy about, um, nothing. ”I thought we were beyond the whole ‘I’m in high school, you’re in college,’ ” Tyler snapped, then added, ”You wanna change the subject? ‘Cause you flat-out just ruined it.” Hey, kids: Next time, could you go ahead and fight over something that actually means anything? It would make writing this a lot easier. Thanks.

Seriously, if anybody’s got lady problems, it’s our birthday boy. What up with him finally being publicly demonstrative with Jessica like the minute Tessa shows up? I mean, I was kind of psyched for Jessica, but still. It’s like there’s some Law of Conservation of Boy Respect when it comes to Jess and Tess. Like if one’s getting it, the other must not be.

Worse yet, Tessa pulled a total Doormat Jessica move so painful it’s hard for me to even recount here. She called Cameron the next day. Not only did she call him, but when he let Nick answer his phone (does Nick do anything besides tend to Cam’s love life?), she actually told him, ”I just really need to talk to him about last night.” Honey, no. No no no no no. No. ”So are you like super bitter now?” Nick asked.

Seriously, no. Just, oh God, no.

What do you think? Who’s your pick for most dysfunctional couple: Jessica-Cameron, Tessa-Cameron, or Kyndra-Tyler? Was it good to see Jason again? And does he seem better or worse in comparison with the new guys?

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