Dear Janet,

Look, I know we haven’t been on speaking terms since I took you to task for your dismal single and video for “Call on Me.” You felt betrayed by my “what have you done for me lately?” attitude; I was disappointed by your horrid choice of lead single for the upcoming 20 Y.O. But hey, that’s the way love goes, right?

Anyhow, I just got back from vacation and watched your new video for “So Excited,” and — whew! — it’s a major improvement. Granted, I have no idea what the heck you’re saying in that breathless kitten voice of yours (surely, a lyric like “I’m rubbin’ that spot for you, anytime that you want me to” constitutes an FCC violation, no?), but no matter: It’s good to see you gettin’ your dance on. When it comes to choreography, you’re the queen. I mean, who else could pull off that move where you yank your naughty dancer’s hair and give him the nuh-uh finger wag? Hawt! That said, just a few concerns:

1) How come you shot half the video in Flash-cam™? The way your top magically appears and disappears — leaving you to clutch your girls — left me clutching my pearls. Yeah, I know, you’re staunchly unapologetic for Nipplegate, but next time, how ’bout just you, your backup dancers, and a stationary camera? Show these kids that good choreography doesn’t start and end in the editing room.

2) What’s with the sudden appearance of that yellow sportscar at the two-minute mark? If it’s part of some product-placement initiative, I hope they’re paying you well.

3) Also not getting the occasional skeleton people. Were you trying to use up some excess FX budget?

4) Making out by the men’s urinals? You nasty!

5) Oh, and one more thing: There’s nothing goofier than being filmed while sensually eating a strawberry. Seriously.

Anyway Janet, good to have you back in form. See you on the charts.


P.S. Thanks for throwing a little work in Khia’s direction…glad to know I’m not the only one still digging “My Neck, My Back.”