Scott Brown's Hit List for the week of September 22, 2006

1 Paparazzi help Lindsay Lohan find stolen Hermès bag Because that’s what good friends do.

2 50 Cent allegedly makes unsafe lane change He then cut in line during the early-bird special and cheated flagrantly at shuffleboard.

3 Priest tries to stop Madonna crucifixion with bomb threat He’d rented Evita and was on the verge of pushing play.

4 Angelina’s female ex says they visited a dominatrix ”Oh, come on,” says Jolie. ”It was just a meeting with Harvey Weinstein.”

5 Brad Pitt won’t wed until gay marriage is legalized I share Pitt’s principled stand, having vowed to continue hitting on random women until world hunger is stopped.

6 Ellen to host the Academy Awards Homophobes worry that she’ll make the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress statuettes go kissy.

7 Locals complain about Claudia Schiffer’s dogs It’s more the strutting and pouting than the crapping-in-the-yard.

8 Heath Ledger says his Joker will be ”less about his laugh and more about his eyes” Ledger says he’ll also concentrate on the Joker’s ”perfectly formed ass.”

9 Jessica Simpson ditches publicist After survey reveals she’s achieved only 83 percent laughability.

10 After 24 years, bronze Rocky statue returns to Philly art museum Aesthetes feel it’s a strong, contemporary response to Rodin’s Get Carter.