By Whitney Pastorek
Updated September 14, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

Whitney and Gary talk about the Apocalypto trailer!

WP: so I think Tim Stack really summed it up best when he said, “Good luck with this one, Disney.”

GS: yeah, mel’s personal unmarketability aside, i’m still scratching my head as to what this movie is about

WP: I think it’s about piercings. also body paint.

GS: if mel’s smart, then, he’ll get Dilana from Rock Star to do a music video for it.

WP: ooh! I actually was thinking maybe a nice remake of “We Don’t Need Another Hero” from Mad Max! Except sung in ancient Mayan! but so how do you market this thing? it looks like something IMAX rejected.

GS: yes, the national geographic channel might be the place to start with the marketing. what i’m wondering is, if you call the movie apocalypto, why is there no freakin’ apocalypse?

WP: well, it’s all about your perspective. I mean, if you were an ancient Mayan, these events would probably look kinda sucky to you.

GS: what killed this civilization off, tetanus?

WP: I heard it was videogames that did them in.

GS: and the Jews

WP: I hear Mel’s next movie will be about how the Jews took out the dinosaurs.

GS: they weren’t kosher. jurassic pork.

WP: OMG, Gary. We are making Jurassic Pork, like, right now.

GS: we’ll be famous on YouTube

WP: note how difficult it is to have a serious conversation about this movie

GS: It’ll be even harder once the star (don’t know his name) is caught making out with Paris Hilton

WP: I keep wanting to make a Pocahontas reference but I fear that makes me a racist.

GS: It reminds me, actually, of last year’s The New World.Unspoiled Native American paradise, great cinematography, zero interestfor anyone who’s not an anthropologist. (if anything, I’m being wayunfair to Terence Malick.)

WP: what I’m looking for is a nice ancient Mayan romantic comedy. Must Love Panthers, starring John Cusack and that girl from Whale Rider

GS: OMG. That’ll make a great double bill with Jurassic Pork.

WP: how many of those piercings do you think are real, btw? and likethe forehead marking things? like the pockmarks or whatever? thosecreep me out.

GS: Maybe the civilization was done in by lack of proper exfoliants. If only they’d had Biore

WP: Apocalypto: Brought to you by Noxema. Noxema: For clearer skin… and a longer-lasting civilization.

GS: A movie with an astringent, but not abrasive take on ancient cultures.

WP: gold, Gary.

GS: Another possible merchandising tie-in: Chichen-Itza-Biskit crackers.

WP: wait, I wanna think of one! ummm… Fisher-Price My First Human Sacrifice playset?

GS: There you go!

WP: yes!