The 10 hottest topics for the week of September 15, 2006

By Scott Brown
September 08, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Trump fires Carolyn It was dark, and he mistook her for an outgoing wife.

2 Joe Eszterhas calls Val Kilmer an ”imbecile” This is, hands down, the most relevant celebrity feud since Robert Guillaume rear-ended Michael Nouri at Chasen’s.

3 Scorsese hired as film critic He’s already begun work on a large and horrible mustache.

4 Sharon Stone confirms adoption rumors Yes, Stone has indeed been adopted by Randolph Dickerson, 73, of Terre Haute, Ind. He saw her on a pledge drive and just fell in love.

5 Rocky toys debut Hmm. My Judge Dredd place mats have yet to appreciate.

6 Controversy swirls around British TV movie about assassination of Bush The underfunded U.S. Department of Comebacks will retaliate with a YouTube video about Tony Blair’s ”big, stupid ears.”

7 Nike reportedly wooing Jennifer Aniston They really want Angelina, but as we all know, this is how you get her.

8 Lance Armstrong seen with Paris Hilton He won her heart with pickup lines like ”My road to victory ends in Paris,” ”Wanna take a Tour de Pants?” and ”I am Lance Armstrong.”

9 Tom Sizemore reality show to air It will broadcast live from the Dumpster behind the Hustler Club.

10 Nick Lachey, A.J. DiScala, et al. buy b-ball team Guys, there are easier ways to meet cheerleaders. I don’t know what they are, but there must be easier ways.