On ''Laguna Beach,'' the producers finally give Breanna, who's Lauren's younger sibling and the main link to previous seasons, something to do

”Laguna Beach”: Lauren’s sister does something

It seems this was the big Make Breanna Part of the Plot episode. Love how Lauren made a cameo in that first scene to tell her baby sister, while sitting in the Conrads’ crazy-awesome cliff-top hot tub, ”Just don’t fight over really stupid stuff.” And then, of course, everything that happened afterward pretty much was people fighting over stupid stuff. Come to think of it, that sums up this whole series.

But anyway. We learned that Rocky and Breanna had been BFFs since sixth grade but then had some kind of falling out over Breanna’s 16th birthday party, which Rocky did not attend. (See above, re: ”really stupid stuff.”) And Breanna called Rocky to try to broker a peace accord over lunch, thus securing the sacred connection between this and previous seasons via Breanna via Lauren. Yay. So many problems solved with one phone call.

Meanwhile (isn’t there always a ”meanwhile”?), Kelan and Chase were phoning Lexie — the dancer girl who’s friends with Kyndra and Cami — and some random girl to ask them on a double date to what they called a ”pimper dinner” — apparently a meal at a fairly pricey establishment. The best part of this being that it elicited the following priceless exchange between the band boys:

Chase: We need a good acoustic song. That would be kinda sick. How’s your love life?

Kelan (kidding, I assume): Ask your sister.

This was followed by a lecture from Chase about how Kelan should definitely totally carpe diem and stuff and go for Lexie, who’s like super hot, yo. ”If you put in the effort and time,” Chase said, ”I’m sure that things can happen.” (This statement sparked a particularly spirited protest from my heretofore quiet viewing companion for the evening, a Laguna Beach virgin and 30-something male who teaches teens at his day job. ”Seventeen-year-old boys,” he said, ”do not talk like that.” Bless his heart, he was concerned about the whole ”Is it real?” debate.)

And then there we were, thrust right back into this yawn-fest of a rift between Breanna and Rocky. They were having lunch to make amends, and they were all, why didn’t you come to my birthday, and you didn’t want to be my friend anymore, and I was so hurt, and well now I’m BFF with Tessa. Then basically it came down to Rocky saying she didn’t want to choose between Breanna and Tessa, and Breanna crying. ”What do you expect me to do when you don’t answer your phones time and time again?” asked Rocky, quite reasonably, I think. And Breanna answered, quite unreasonably, ”We were expecting you to devote more time to us, at least.” There you have it, most teenage female relationship problems in a nutshell. (Naturally, when Breanna told Lexie about it, she summed up the entire exchange thusly: ”She just sat there and bashed me for like 10 minutes, and then I just started crying.”)

Whatever. Onto the most brilliant dialogue of the night/possibly ever. Setting: the aforementioned ”pimper dinner” double date. The foursome is perusing the menu. Lexie’s friend Tara notes the peculiarly named ”foie gras” on the menu.

Tara: Your dad told me to get the far-guar.

Lexie: My dad?

Tara: And then he told me what it was, and I was like…

Lexie (correcting her, incorrectly): Fuar-gar.

Tara: Far-guar is duck liver.

Lexie: I used to love it.

Tara: Do you still like it?

Lexie: No.

Tara: It’s duck liver!

I can’t help thinking that Kelan purposely summoned a cell-phone call to take him away from this madness. Granted, he and Chase had their own rather inane convo about beef Stroganoff, which is not a soup, we learned, but a pasta dish that involves strips of filet mignon and meat sauce. Ah, Laguna Beach. It’s entertainment and education, all in one. And somehow throughout all this, Lexie got all pissy with Kelan, to which I say, her loss, not his. It was all too deep for me, really. I need to drink either a lot more wine or a lot less when I watch this thing. (Right around this time, my viewing companion said, ”This thing’s only 20 minutes without commercials? I feel like it’s been on for five hours!” Yes, yes, especially this episode. Honestly, Breanna shows up and it sucks every last bit of life from this show. More pinot grigio, please.)

Cami and Kyndra showed up for some dishing. (Kyndra on Rocky’s explanation for missing Breanna’s birthday once upon a time: ”That’s so self-centered and stupid. Ew.”) But it was too little bitch injection, too late. I was so over it, just like Rocky was (surprise!) when she showed up for this Breanna pool party and got totally dissed. ”I don’t show up to parties to be ignored.” She was out, and so was I.

But…whoa. What’s this in next week’s previews about Tessa and Cameron hooking up? I am so there.

What do you think? Was using Breanna to link to the previous seasons even necessary? Would you be okay if she didn’t show up anymore? And do you like far-guar?

Laguna Beach
  • TV Show