By Scott Brown
Updated August 31, 2006 at 08:46 PM EDT
Brian May
Credit: Brian May: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Let’s play that old schoolyard game, What Is Legendary Queen Guitarist Brian May Upset About Today? Is it the purported mortality rate of relocated Scottish hedgehogs? Well, yes. That issue continues to dominate the headlines over at

But the big news appears under this banner: “MY SPACE – A NUISANCE – AND A DANGER TO CHILDREN ? PAL STANLEY ALSO FIGHTING THE SITE.” The thrust of it is, someone — many someones, in fact — has been impersonating Brian May on MySpace. You see, children, there is no legitimate Brian May MySpace page. That’s right: none. They’re all fakes, pretenders to the throne, cuckoos laying bastard electro-eggs in the May-man’s cyber-nest. And it’s been an uphill battle forcing these “Brian Nays” (thank me later, Queen fans) out of the online community. Look at the trouble May himself encountered: “It really is laughable that if you are trying to get something taken off, apparently the proprietors of this annoying website will not talk to you unless you join their pesky club ! And give them all kinds of personal details, and a picture ! ha ha! AS IF !!!!”

As if, indeed! You’re doubtless sitting there thinking two things: 1) “I didn’t know Brian May used decade-old Valley Girl slang!” and 2) I hate and deplore Brian May imitators, yet I’m strangely curious about these MySpace pages. Luckily for Brian May, MySpace’s search function is too sucky for me to find any of them. That, or they’ve already been weeded out. There remains only this fiendish doppelganger, who’d fool even the most gimlet-eyed Queen-oisseur.

We must stay vigilant, friends. We all remember the “Fake Erasure” incident. Imitation rock stars (made of realistic-tasting soy protein and bent on world domination) are everywhere, not just on American Idol.

addCredit(“Brian May: Kevin Winter/Getty Images”)