By Scott Brown
Updated August 21, 2006 at 07:50 PM EDT
Credit: Kevin Federline: Kevin Mazur/

Well, Kevin Federline gave it his all last night at the Teen Choice Awards. The song was “Lose Control,” an ode to “hip hop flava.” If I were a polite sixtysomething, I’d say, “I like your energy, young man!” Sadly, I am a bitter thirtysomething, so I’ll instead say: Is it possible to feel embarrassed for a grand piano? Look at it up there, so forlorn, so ashamed, as Kevin hacks those two chords again and again. Look at it quail in horror as K. Fed raps arrhythmically beneath the safety of his ballcap, mumbling every tired rhyme he can conjure, short of “K. Fed/aphid.” (I had a five-spot riding on that one.) Look at it thinking wistfully of Robbie “Vanilla Ice” van Winkle, whose long fingers once caressed its keys, on a sultry afternoon so long ago… and “Havin’ a Roni” was born.

All I’m saying is: Give musical instruments their dignity. If Aphid needs a piano in the future, get some battered whorehouse honky-tonker. (Do whorehouses even have pianos anymore? I haven’t visited one since 1885.) Oh yeah, and I’m calling him Aphid from here on out.

addCredit(“Kevin Federline: Kevin Mazur/”)