The 10 hottest topics for the week of August 25, 2006

By Scott Brown
August 18, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Kelly Clarkson to record with Congress We’re fairly sure this is the first time Rick Santorum will get play in a gay club.

2 Maggie Gyllenhaal reflects that her art imitates her life ”It’s true,” she reveals. ”I am the S&M-loving wife of a 9/11 victim who falls in love with Tom Arnold while attending Wellesley in the 1950s.”

3 Pet kinkajou bites Paris Hilton Gets three-picture deal.

4 According to reports, Madonna will no longer act in movies Shouldn’t she at least try first?

5 Glorious North Korean movie dominates glorious North Korean box office Analysts say there was no way the film could bomb without disastrous retaliation.

6 Sexy young CW network stars embark on mall tour There hasn’t been a diplomatic mission of this import since Nixon toured the Piercing Pagodas of China.

7 Jay-Z meets Kofi Annan to discuss water crisis The hip-hop mogul made an impassioned plea for more muthaf—ing Pellegrino in the Def Jam break room.

8 Brian Henson debuts adults-only Muppet improv Unfortunately, it’s become a forum for Swedish Chef to discuss his ”liberated” Scandinavian sexuality.

9 Screech nearly mugged FYI, ”near-mugger of Screech” puts you right under ”dog fondler” on the prison food chain.

10 Mike Wallace says Iranian president is ”very, very short,” yet ”rather attractive” The newsman went on to call Ahmadinejad ”an overall 6” and ”doable.”