By Whitney Pastorek
Updated August 17, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

It seems as though every time I show up on this website I am making some sort of embarrassing admission. Yes, I believe that Chicago is a very good band. Yes, I have a desperate crush on a SportsCenter anchor who will never love me back. Okay, sometimes I play air drums in the VIP section of concerts. Whatever. You people don’t mind. You’ve got this browser window open on top of some lame Excel document, hand hovering over your mouse just in case the boss walks by. I know. We all have secrets. Well, here comes another one from me: I would give my left leg to be Kelly Clarkson.

Ever since she won that first American Idol and endured 75,000 performances of “A Moment Like This” with grace and dignity, I have admired her. That admiration turned to envy the minute she hit with the aggro pep rally that is “Miss Independent” — like, totally my theme song — which then turned to desperate begging of many deities to give me just an ounce of her talent when I heard the first chorus of “Since U Been Gone.” Kelly Clarkson, in my opinion, is not only a brilliant singer, but a wonderful role model for children. Also, I am seriously thinking about buying a Ford.

So you can understand, then, how upset I was to see this video of my idol — not America’s, mine — staggering around the stage at the Key Club on Monday night, rubbing her nipples and grabbing the asses of some middle-aged dudes who play in a hair-metal cover band. It sounds like I’m exaggerating. I assure you, I am not.

Here is her list of offenses, which is not in any way complete because I couldn’t take it anymore and shut the video off about halfway through their rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine”:

1. Attending a hair-metal cover band show and standing in the front
2. Attending a hair-metal cover band show while wearing a sweater vest
3. Attending a hair-metal cover band show with Ryan Key, the lead singer of Yellowcard
4. Going anywhere with the lead singer of Yellowcard
5. Owning a sweater vest
6. Willingly climbing on stage after scary hair-metal dude belts out a few lines of “Since U Been Gone”
7. Willingly climbing on stage even if there had been money involved
8. Bringing Yellowcard on stage with you
9. Miming the licking of own fingers and rubbing of own nipples
10. see above
11. see above
Actually, let’s make Nos. 12. – 1,000. see above, dear God, see above
1,001. Swigging from a bottle of Chivas in public
1,002. Swigging from a bottle of Chivas in public with the lead singer of Yellowcard
1,003. Unnecessary harmonizing
1,004. Not knowing the words to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
1,005. Not knowing the words to “Sweet Child O’ Mine”

Damn it, now I’m crying again. Must another pop diva be taken from us? And so soon? Help me, PopWatchers: Can Kelly Clarkson be saved?