August 04, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

”Big Brother”: Dr. Evil seduces more victims

I’m not sorry to see Diane go. I never dug the whole Veronica look with her hair, and she was quite the whiny hag during her brief and unremarkable stay. (Nonetheless, I would have liked to hear her explain what made Janelle a ”fat bitch.” Girlfriend needs to be reminded that they don’t exactly hire Holsteins to work as VIP waitresses.) You know what I will miss, though? Those precious few weeks when James actually seemed like the smartest guy in the Sixers. Now he’s no more the genius than that silly twerp Howie — thinking Janelle is the next one who deserves to go when (hello?) it should be the dude with the least amount of pigment in the house.

Granted, James had reason to be peeved. Janelle broke ranks from the Sixers and replaced the veto-winning Boogie with Diane when she should have put up Will (her alliance’s choice). But instead of regrouping after hearing Janelle’s plan to evict Diane, James unleashed this ridiculous, misdirected fury, recruited Danielle, and vowed to take out Janelle as soon as he wins head of household. And what does he do to ensure his empty victory? He recruits Will and Boogie. He allies with Chilltown. Idiot! Knucklehead! Dimwit! Fat bitch! (Hey, Diane, you’re right! It can work for anyone.) Can’t we just end this game now and give Dr. McPasty the money? Because he’s the only one who can actually play this game. Damn, this guy is good. (And so was Boogie, right up until he cut his toe after that genius veto competition. Now, he’s just a goober.)

I’m starting to believe all that message-board talk of a James-Danielle alliance that was forged before the game began, though I don’t think they actually hooked up with Chilltown until this last week. Eh, doesn’t really matter. The Sixers’ stability is toast now, all because Janey went against her homies and fell prey to Will’s charm (and like I believe she doesn’t actually dig on McPasty). So who is the next to go? Unfortunately, you won’t learn who won HOH in this column, because I wrote it without knowing the results of that curious-looking ”challenge,” which required the houseguests to balance on top of a colossal web. What’s so difficult about lounging on an oversize hammock? And it’s wayyy too soon in the season to be scheduling one of those infuriating endurance tests.

Until we get the news (and feel free to post the results here), let’s discuss a few minor incidentals, like the appearance of Amy, a.k.a. Madame McPasty. Love the idea of her May-December relationship with her own personal Clark Gable, hated her describing Janelle as something Marcellas could buy at a ”transvestite sex-toy shop.” In fact, I’m getting damn tired of all the Janelle bashing, including some from people inside my own magazine. How can these negative nabobs not see what a splendid young lass she is! And what’s this talk about a coup d’état next week? I’m not so sure I like the idea of someone overthrowing the HOH, especially if the HOH is (a) Will or (b) someone who is easily seduced by Will. Then again, that may not be an issue because pretty much everyone seems to have fallen prey to the skin doctor.

So what do you think (or hear)? Who’s the next HOH? Who will he or she nominate? Does Janelle really deserve to go? Are you going to go see Talladega Nights based on this week’s luxury competition? And what’s up with that crazy peace pipe they’re smoking on the patio?

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