By Scott Brown
Updated August 03, 2006 at 02:00 PM EDT

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Now just wait a gay minute. Bravo has come out saying that Queer Eye will, in fact, return in 2007. Manicurists everywhere issue of collective sigh of relief.]

It’s back to pleats and bar soap for the straight guy: Indicators point to the imminent cancellation of Queer Eye.

Jai Rodriguez says all the guys are doing well, show or no show. Sez Thom Felicia’s redoing J. Lo’s house. Sez they’re big in the Phillipines. Sez they were probably overexposed. All well and good, but… where does that leave me? Am I going to have to crawl back to the khaki counter after three years of Carson-derived independence? Who will remind me to moisturize? Who, I ask!?!

I’m on my own now, with nothing but a bazillion Queer Eye-spawned male-makeover resources at my disposal. I know: Baby bird’s got to fly one of these days, and better now than Prom Night. Still, I’ll miss knowing the Fab Five are there, in my TiVo, thinking up new ways to insult my farmer tan and brazenly unmanicured fingernails. It was good, guys. We had some gay old times.

On the other hand, I have a mustard-stained Big Johnson T-shirt and eight unopened Slim Jims in my “shame drawer,” and lemme tell you, fellas, they are comin’ out!