By Scott Brown
Updated July 28, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

Noted shirt salesman and near-homeowner Dustin “Don’t Call Me Screech” Diamond has a lot to say about the carnal arts. Turns out he’s something on an expert, having plowed countless extras on the set of Saved by the Bell. (For just a moment, let’s climb inside the mind of one of those extras. Your friend already called dibs on Slater, and that slut with the disingenuous My Little Pony hairband is snogging Zach in wardrobe. That leaves Screech and Mr. Belding — and Mr. Belding says he’s conserving his “chi.” An agonized sigh. Then, in a defeated voice, “Hey, Dustin, I’ve always wondered how you ‘created’ the character of Screech…”)

Still not icked out? Then go to this Nerve page (thanks to Defamer for the link — which, incidentally, is decidedly not safe for work, kids, or decent, upstanding citizens) and check out “Sex Advice from ’90s icons,” a funhouse of skin-crawling awfulness, where your childhood memories are transmuted into hellish sexual realities. Other “icons” also weigh in, including Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter and Dazed and Confused‘s Wiley Wiggins, who advises, “If your girlfriend gets hot after watching Showgirls, she’s probably a drag queen.”