On ''The Hills,'' Heidi cuts boyfriend Jordan loose; meanwhile, Lauren and Jason discuss shacking up for the summer

By Kate Sullivan
Updated July 27, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

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”The Hills”: Heidi goes solo

Oh Jordan, we hardly knew ye.

Wait a second — we did know you; you just didn’t have an interesting personality, so we didn’t care about you.

I will admit that Heidi and Jordan had some moments: doing their laundry together, judging Jason and Lauren’s relationship together… those were salad days. And he did buy her a puppy. But buying is all the boyfriends on The Hills know how to do. The kids seem to interpret cash-spending and the sprinkling of rose petals over everything as the signs of a mature, magical love, but really, it’s all just superficial action and no passion. (You know I’m talking about Lauren telling Whitney that her birthday night was ”all that I wanted” — what birthday celebration was she at!?)

Heidi and Jordan shouldn’t be out of their ”honeymoon phase” after seven or eight months — if that were normal, no one would ever move in together or get married. Granted, seven or eight months is a large chunk of Heidi’s young dating life. She was devoted to this rocky-at-best relationship, and that made breaking up hard for her — but in the long run, this is going to be such a small part of her experiences. She’s invested less time in Jordan than it takes to hear back about most cereal-box sweepstakes.

She totally did the right thing by ending it, and she did it in a sensitive way. (Well, if you ignore that she had his stuff already packed and sitting in the same hallway that he had to walk through to get to her room for ”the talk.”)

Their breakup, though concise, was shockingly believable for reality TV. Those were real tears and real hurting words. A CliffsNotes for those of you who were in the bathroom for this: ”I can’t do this anymore.” ”I know, I can’t either. But I can’t imagine my life without you.” ”It’s not about my not loving you; it’s about us not being the best for each other.” ”You don’t think we’re the best for each other?” Heidi mouths ”I’m done” and then gives him back the key to his place. Incredible! Record-setting breakup time! Right before this, she ran a three-minute mile.

Hopefully the breakup will make Heidi focus more on her club promotion work, and Jordan on his triply hard goal of becoming an actor/model/musician. It will also give Heidi plenty of time to ”go out every night now” — which means a lot more wacky and loud Heidi antics on the show. That is, if she and Jordan don’t become those exes who still fight even after they’ve broken up.

But the former couple’s friends probably won’t take too kindly to that, and they’ll say so, since they had plenty to say about the breakup itself. I loved that Audrina went from saying ”You’re like the perfect couple” to ”You need a break from this” in a matter of hours. And that Brian was so shell-shocked by the whole thing, comparing Heidi and Jordan to Ken and Barbie (incidentally, they broke up too, Brian; Barbie’s with Blaine now). Jason saying that he thought he and Lauren would break up long before Heidi and Jordan was equally as hilarious — and should have been examined a little more closely, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.

But alas, Lauren and Jason will not be breaking up soon. Instead, they’re talking about getting a summer share together. Ugh. Jason needs to ”think about” going to dinner with Lauren’s parents, but he wants her to rent a beach house with him this summer (and presumably on Mr. and Mrs. Conrad’s dollar)? Um, no. I wouldn’t pay to let my daughter shack up with some Joey Fatone-looking dude (who appears to be unemployed) without at least getting to interrogate him about his goals over a meal. That’s just the way it goes. This test is not multiple choice, Fatone.

There is, however, a glimmer of hope. Judging from the previews for the next episode, it looks like Lauren could be interning in Paris instead of arguing with Jason in Malibu this summer. Yes, they’ll stay together, but at least they’ll be apart. (When Jason brought up getting a beach house, he tacked on the ”with you” part anyway. Obviously, she should go to Paris. But no more on that until next time.)

So what do you think? Will Lauren and Jason put a down payment on a beach house? How will the friends split their time between Heidi and Jordan? Will Audrina and Heidi go buck-wild on the town now that Heidi is single again? And on a scale of 1 to 10, how ugly is Jordan’s ”praying hands” tattoo?

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