Things go seriously wrong, as strange bathfellows, bad hair, missed opportunities, and a stupid eviction make for a frustrating week on ''Big Brother''

By Lynette Rice
Updated July 21, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

Big Brother: All-Stars

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”Big Brother”: The show goes seriously wrong

There were so many things wrong with this episode that I barely had time to enjoy the one great line of the night, courtesy of Howie’s personal catnip, the marvelously quotable Dr. Will: ”I need some help here. I’m being sexually harassed by a big idiot, and I don’t know what to do.” To wit:

1. Marcellas’ decision to take a casual bubble bath with Janelle was almost as contrived as the producers’ decision to reveal the ”controversy” surrounding the secret partnership between Jase and Diane, a.k.a. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. What controversy? Two people aligning? Yo, producers: Have you met Nakomis and Diane, Will and Boogie, Janelle and Marcellas, and Howie and Kaysar? What’s so mysterious about that? Oh, and Marcellas? You’re just too old and jaded to be soaking with Janey and Mr. Bubble.

2. Not another head-of-household competition involving those damn wheels again!

3. How can Julie waste precious time questioning George about his Jedi training sessions without making important note of the fact that he’s parading around as Count Frankenfoil? Jules, he’s covered in Reynolds Wrap! Ask him what (if any) pride his kids may have left for their dorky dad.

3. Who told Kaysar that blowing out one’s curls to look like a ’50s sitcom dad can be sexy?

4. Our beloved Nakomis — even with those tragically tinted tresses — was booted waaaay too prematurely.

And that, my fine friends, is what it all comes down to: a seriously undeserved eviction when the real threat in the house is that devilish dermatologist who admits to using Botox (though I sincerely doubt he’s the only all-star to use the stuff). Once again, I gotta hand it to Dr. McPasty; he not only rallied the non-Sixers around breaking up that alliance but actually rankled Kaysar by suggesting that he — the more powerful half of Chilltown — should go on the block should Erika exercise her veto. As much as I agree that Kaysar is the Muslim Brad Pitt, I also think he’s capable of becoming the Iraqi Marcellas Reynolds (you all remember Marcellas’ mishandling of the golden power of veto in season 3, right?) by squandering valuable opportunities to oust Will.

Fortunately — at least I hope fortunately — newly appointed HOH James will finally take care of business and put Will and Boogie up for eviction. If he does, he could expose his ”secret” alliance with Kaysar and Co. — though it was pretty much revealed, anyhoo, when Howie let out another congratulatory whoop after James won the competition. (Strangely, BB bleeped it out. Shall we assume Howie said something naughty?) It’s obviously important to James to appear alliance free, but in this case it may not matter, since even the floaters understand the importance of booting Will, the only player to previously win $500K. It’s a move for the common good!

And now, some brief commentary about CBS’ decision to move BB to Sunday night. I, for one, used to enjoy those Saturday nights watching BB, since there was nothing but crap on network TV, and frankly, I never had reason to tune into cable unless Encore was featuring the 476th run of Just One of the Guys. Now, I kinda miss Big Brother on that night, and I wonder if other BB watchers do, too. In case you haven’t heard, the all-star season is down roughly 10 percent in the ratings from last year, though I’m sure it has more to do with the been-there-done-that feel than a simple night change. Still, any ratings dip concerns me, because that could prompt CBS to cancel BB sooner rather than later — even if it’s the only reality show that has actually threatened the quality time I spend with the little man and kids. But now they watch with me! So here’s hoping you do, too. Let’s all do our part to keep ratings strong and see to it that CBS goes on to air a BB 10 and 12, shall we?

So what did you think? Will Kaysar let down his curls and actually make a move on Erika? Will James do what’s right and nominate Chilltown? Do you feel as stupid as I do when you actually use the term Chilltown?

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Big Brother: All-Stars

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