The movie and tv star tackles skinny people, bathroom scales and eating celebrities

By Dan Snierson
Updated July 14, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

She’s the host with the most, indeed. Mo’Nique — sassy comedian, former star of The Parkers, author of Skinny Women Are Evil, and emcee of Showtime at the Apollo — hopes to make another big splash with the second edition of Mo’Nique’s F.A.T. Chance (Oxygen, July 15, 8 p.m.), the beauty pageant she created for plus-size peeps. Could we stump this apostrophe’d entertainer with a round of Stupid Questions? Chances are slim.

Where do we start? Shall we hate on some skinny bitches?
You cannot be happy with an empty stomach — baby carrots and celery won’t cut it. You need a nice steak with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. If you look at every fat girl on the street, she’s smiling because she’s full — I promise you. I’m with three fat gals right now, all of them happy.

If Mo’Nique were to engage in a Mo-down with Moesha, what would happen?
Child, of course I would win! I would just blow. We ain’t gotta exchange no punches.

By the way, what’s a Mo-down?
A Mo-down could be a couple different things. I’ve had a Mo-down with my man, and that’s why we have twins. [Or] a Mo-down could be, ”Girl, I told you to stop it — now I’ve got to give you a Mo-down!”

You make a lot of fat jokes. How many can I make before very bad things happen to me?
You can make all that you want because fat ain’t a bad word, baby.

If you could eat one celebrity, who would it be?
Oooh. I would have to say…Jamie Foxx. He just looks like he tastes like everything — fried chicken, buffalo wings, collard greens, salmon, crab cakes…everything!

If your bathroom scale could talk, what would it say?
It would say, ”Bitch, stop it!”

Your pageant is called F.A.T. Chance, yet you were also in the recent movie Phat Girlz. Help a white guy out: How do I know if something is f-a-t or p-h-a-t?
When it’s fat, you see our double belly, our full necks, our fat backs. Phat was something they took from us. Phat is: We’re trying to be hip. That’s how you know the difference.

Neat! I don’t feel so white anymore.
There you go, baby! I know you have a black man inside of you! Let him out!

When your stand-up career took off, you quit your job as an MCI customer-service rep. Many years ago, I called you guys and was put on hold for 28 minutes. What were you really doing while I was waiting?
Playin’. We weren’t that damn busy. I was like, ”I don’t feel like being bothered right now, sugar. I don’t know why you have a one-cent charge on your bill, but hold on, I’m going to research it.”

Then what?
Baby, putting on makeup. Having me a little snack. Making another long-distance call because it was free.

You were quoted in Essence magazine as saying: ”I’ve always had real brothers around me who said I looked sexy…. Personally, I can’t wait for Hugh Hefner to call to ask me to pose nude.” That was two years ago. What’s the update?
I’m still waiting for Hugh to call. He trippin’. Put it in there and quote me: ”Hugh, stop trippin’. My number’s still the same.”