The 10 hottest topics for the week of July 21, 2006

By Scott Brown
Updated July 14, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Suri Cruise lying low Sick of the celeb lifestyle, the jaded 3-month-old is reportedly learning to be a cobbler.

2 Timberlake releases ”Sexyback” No sexybacks, Timby! Once you’re sexy’d, that’s it. Jeez, I learned that in first grade.

3 J. Lo’s ex-husband, in legal fight, accuses her of voodoo In a completely unrelated story, Ben Affleck’s head is now made of snakes.

4 Lindsay Lohan DJ’s in bikini for the benefit of special-needs kids This seems like the right time to reveal that I too have ”special needs.”

5 Survivor winner allegedly shoots puppy with arrow Survivor is now law enforcement’s leading method of identifying and isolating wackadoos.

6 Penn, Sarandon fasting for troops That’s right: Absolutely no trans fats until the pullout.

7 Katharine McPhee sidelined by bronchitis I’m not screaming Gillooly just yet, but bronchitis is a huge Taylor Hicks fan.

8 Tim McGraw, too ”McGraw, McPhee,” hisses bronchitis. ”All these Scots-Irish singers look the same to me.”

9 Musical Republican Orrin Hatch helps spring Dallas Austin from Dubai jail Whispered the senator, ”I cover ‘Endless Love’ with Pink or you go right back in.”

10 Lost snubbed at Emmys Ah, that’s just what the writers WANT you to think!