July 06, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

”So You Think You Can Dance”: Personality dis

Oh, bollocks. Jessiker and Jaymz just lost, which means we’ll have to stop applying fun alternative spellings to the latter’s name. I’m devastated. But this also means we can stop our feverish attempts to detect the ”personality” Jessiker kept bragging about. Did anyone else catch it? All I intercepted was whining, but that might be due to a weird television frequency on my end. (She also kept showing up on my screen in those excruciating hot pants week after week, and that just couldn’t be right.)

I’ll definitely miss Jaymz, who was far and away this season’s best random rambler, especially when interacting with Cat. Just after he finished his solo, I had to mute their conversation to answer my phone, and here’s what I imagined they were saying:

Cat: Come here, you.

Jaymz: Hey, is that a fishtail? Uhhhhhh.

Meow: How did you think that went?

J@#!z: I love orange roughy! People say it’s boring. But I don?t say that.

Rawr: Did you enjoy dancing?

Jay-Z: Happy Thanksgiving!

I wish this had happened. Then Nigel could have kicked him out based purely on his final, well-intentioned words. It would have been so much easier. Instead, Uncle Nige pretended to find it strange that Jzzzz, a ballroom specialist according to Fox’s website, chose a ballroom dance for his solo. This made almost as much sense as when the almighty lord said, before the solos, ”Improvising doesn’t bother me….They’ve just gotta know exactly what they’re gonna do.” Uh-huh. Got it.

This week, the jidges gushed the most over Benji and Donyelle’s waltz, a stunning display of traditional Vietnamese lifts, twirls, and ”submission holds.” Excuse me, Vietnese. Viennese? Vietnamese. My bad. That sudden cut to Dmitry during Benji and Donyelle’s rehearsal footage, which showed him jerking his magical hips to some trance-y background music, was perhaps the best part of Wednesday’s show. Yes! Interactivity! Group project! Apparently, Benji needed Dmitry’s help to appear more masculine during his dance. It was fun to see Dmitry, but he probably would’ve been more effective if he’d just stood there and yelled, ”Change the song!”

Allison and Ivan also had a big week, sponsored in part by miles and miles of white fringe. Those pants of hers were almost symbolic of Ivan himself — he’s the fringe going along for her wild ride through the competition, and he even gets treated to benefits such as Uncle Nige’s awkard repeat mention of Ivan’s ”father’s phone call.” Don’t get me wrong — Ivan’s cute, and I marvel that his limbs take on the consistency of rubber during his solos, but after Mary Murphy picked Allison as the winner on Wednesday, it’s difficult to view the hip-hopper as much more than shimmying strips of cloth.

Someone must have topped off Crazy Mary’s cocktail with a muscle relaxer or something, because she was in rare form, and I loved it. She acted fairly tame and civil toward the first few couples, and even offered some harsh but helpful criticism to Marther and Travis. But by the time she’d sat through Natalie and Musa’s crotch-tastic disco number, Crazy Mary was on a real roll, as evidenced by these three sentences in a row: ”Lookin’ for some hot stuff well I think we found it! Whoooooooo! Last week I thought your dancing was really crap.” Maybe next week, Mary will tell us how she really feels. Whoooooooo!

Oh, by the way, they’re busted: The powers that be want us to believe that the contestants choose their dance styles at random each week out of that hat that Cat holds. We can see there’s only one card in the hat. Always! In fact, after Dmitry and Ashlee ”drew” contemporary, the cheeky hostess even turned the top hat upside down, put it on, and attempted what could potentially be classified as a jig. This was likely in homage to Dr. Seuss’s Cat in the Hat books, which I appreciated, but I’d really prefer it if everyone would stop pretending the fates are at work instead of the producers. Most of the contestants have wised up already and just seem to be playing along, but when they don’t, it’s almost as infuriating as Heidi’s diaper outfit. And you just don’t want to go there. Ameriker deserves better!

What do you think? Will you miss Jessie-Jaymz? Will every male dancer have to wear the dreaded raspberry beret? Has Benji ever really, really, really loved a woman? And do you like the couples as they are, or should all the names go into the top hat and cheat on each other with different slips of paper?

Nigel Lythgoe, Mary Murphy, and the viewers at home crown America’s Favorite Dancer.
type
TV Show
Genre
run date
07/20/05
Status
In Season
Network
Available For Streaming On
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