On ''The Hills,'' Lauren coordinates a fashion show, Whitney gets to do runway, Heidi works a nightclub, and we all learn some important rules about dating and work

By Jennifer Armstrong
July 06, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT
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”The Hills”: Rules for girls to live by

Oh, the things we learn about life and relationships from the girls on The Hills. Here are just a few of the tenets from this week’s episode that will change the way that I, for one, approach travails both personal and professional:

1. There is a right time to give a man the sacred gift of your virtue Or, as Lauren said of Heidi and Jordan’s impending half-year anniversary, ”Do you remember like how big of a deal six months used to be? Like when you were in high school and you were a good girl, like at six months you gave it up.” This girl so doesn’t know Donna from 90210.

2. ”Boyfriends and work don’t mix” Really, I couldn’t say it any better than the wise title of the episode itself. And, boy, did Heidi embody this important message this week. Though I would argue that it’s Heidi and work that don’t mix, she did face a truly devastating situation (even if it was shockingly similar to the pickle Lauren found herself in last week, when a photo shoot conflicted with Jason’s birthday): See, our reluctant little 9-to-6-er finally got her big chance to work the club parties that her event-planning firm runs, but — oh, no! — that promotion, of sorts, kicked in the very same night of the aforementioned watershed anniversary. (Never mind that she’d shown no discernible competence at any task she’d thus far been assigned.)

Lauren had her own boyfriend-work clash when, after Jason spent the night, she straggled in late to set up for an upcoming Teen Vogue-DKNY fashion show. ”We just really need you to be on time,” Lara, the model-bookings editor, hissed. Lauren kept claiming she was barely five minutes late, and it was hard to tell if everyone was just freaking out for the cameras or if she really was screwing up the works. And is it me, or do these folks rely on their interns an alarming amount?

3. ”No drinking, no Uggs, no flip-flops” That’s from Jen, the nightlife and events producer. She was laying down her ground rules for working the clubs, but I’d say it’s an excellent life philosophy as well. She also added, sagely, ”I like girls in heels, but not really heels they can’t walk in.” If only fortune cookies gave such practical advice.

4. Don’t date super-creepy dudes First of all, this little incident wouldn’t have happened if Heidi hadn’t insisted on inviting Jordan to the club she was working. And second, it wouldn’t have happened if Heidi had listened when Jen told her to stay out front and work the door and, specifically, to not go inside the club. All of that idiocy aside, what really gummed up the magic of Heidi and Jordan’s anniversary night was that this guy she went out with once — he was literally described on screen as ”Josh, Heidi’s ex-date” — came up and introduced himself to the crazy-jealous Jordan. And he actually said the words, ”She’s really good,” though that wasn’t what sent Jordan into a tizzy. He skipped right over that and harped on the fact that the guy said he’d taken Heidi out. And while I think Jordan is psycho-possessive and needs to dial it down about 20 notches, dude was a creepo.

5. When a model doesn’t show up for the fashion show you’re coordinating, volunteer to walk the runway, especially if you’re super-tall and skinny and blond Intern Whitney and all of her pretty, shiny hair finally got their moment when there was a no-show for the big Teen Vogue event. She got to rock some hot red lipstick, a killer updo, and a cool nautical look under the superbly headsetted and clipboarded direction of Lauren — which, incidentally, seemed to be the first time scary editor Lisa Love and reluctantly friendly editor Blaine gave the girls some serious props. ”So composed, all the time,” Lisa gushed after Whitney walked. ”You guys did well,” Blaine told our dynamic duo backstage. ”Given a challenge, you rise.”

And that’s exactly why I’m living my life strictly by the Hills rules from now on. And I’m sure that means I’ll have pretty blond hair, a spacious apartment with an immaculate pool, and tons of cash to blow on the sickest clubs in L.A. any day now.

What do you think? Have you learned any other important life lessons from the show? Who would you rather go out with, Heidi’s ex-date or Lauren’s current one? And do you think everyone on the show has been instructed to constantly torture Lauren in very subtle ways?

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