”Big Brother”: The all-star games begin
For dinner last night, I treated myself to a $1.99 piece of pepperoni pizza from Costco. Judging by its sheer size (it hangs over the paper plate by a good inch on each side), I figure it’s worth three pieces from Domino’s, but it sells for half the price. As I savored each 2,000-calorie bite, I couldn’t help imagining myself mooing in some large, green pasture, and yet that unsavory image had no effect whatsoever on my furious quest to stuff my piehole.
About two hours later, I feasted on TV’s equivalent of that greasy reason to re-up at Weight Watchers: the seventh glorious season of Big Brother, a show that’s oh so bad for me yet damn hard to resist. I couldn’t wait to find out how those 15.7 million online fans voted, only to learn they inexplicably paved the way for the return of BB6. What. The. Hell? Granted, I was right up there with my love for Kaysar, Janelle, and Howie last summer, but that doesn’t mean they deserve the immediate comfort of a guaranteed alliance. In fact, I didn’t blame Danielle for trying to break up KK’s kids early by encouraging Jase and Janelle to put themselves on the chopping block, but homegirl played the game too hard, too fast. We’ll get to her idiocy — and that curious little twist — later.
First, let’s remind the folks at home of the 14 playas: Nakomis, Janelle, Diane (what’s with the new cartoon ‘do, Veronica?), Erika, Howie, Kaysar, James, Jase, Will, Danielle, Alison, Mike Boogie, Marcellas, and Chicken George. My immediate reaction was to demand a recount, since the only ho hated more than Ivette is Alison. Hasn’t she already appeared on a bazillion other reality shows on CBS? I’d take Cowboy’s overbite any day over that blond-headed beeyotch, but alas, Nakomis’ pitiful half brother didn’t make the cut, nor did Ivette, Monica, Bunky, Dana, or Lisa (who looked like she was about to cry when Julie read the last name). So long, losers! (But hey, Cowboy: My dentist is Dr. Phillip Peck of Mission Hills, Calif., if you wanna give him a call on yer way outta town.)
Now back to the insta-alliances. Obviously, Kaysar and his bunch (whom I’ll now refer to as the Sixers) are locked in for a few weeks — leaving earlier-season players to fend for themselves. I think Marcellas, Nakomis, and Erika would make a fine fit, but we hardly heard from those cats last night, except for Marcellas’ declaration that he’s ”America’s black gay sweetheart.” But that wasn’t such a bad move, really. Those three, like Diane, lay pretty low during those first few days in the house, and that seemed to serve them well. Meanwhile, Danielle and Alison tried to stir the pot quickly by advocating the Sixers’ breakup.
And then there is Will and Mike, a.k.a. Batman and Robin. First off, totally agree with last week’s posters — the good doctor is looking damn puffy in the facial region. (That schnozz of his ain’t so dainty, either.) But however tubby those cheeks may look, he’s also the only guy in the house who’s won this game, which should make him and his little buddy an early target of eviction. And yet Jase and Janelle — in a new twist, both were named head of household last night — chose Danielle and Alison, just because of their early strategizing. Now don’t get me wrong — I’d kill to see Alison out yesterday, but axing the house’s only previous big-money winner seems the obvious first move. And as shortsighted as Danielle was — talking trash so early, and to big mouth Alison, no less! — I want her to win this time. But I’m thinking she’s out next Thursday, leaving the non-Sixers down one more ally. Nuts!
You may have noticed that I barely mentioned Chicken George. That’s because I’m hoping that if I avoid acknowledging this stubby little man, he’ll pack up his bad rap songs and fly away home. Shoo, Chicken George, shoo!
”This is the Big Brother we’ve all been waiting for!” exclaimed a freshly wound-up Julie. ”The best of the best are coming back to do it again!” Eh, I think I’ll reserve judgment. (Dr. Will’s right — Kaysar, however pleasant to look at, may be too arrogant for his own good. He did get duped twice last season.) But I’m still damn happy to be here, and I’m looking forward to many weeks of TV Watches, as well as exit interviews with the ousted houseguests (coming to you each Friday!).
What do you think of the new lineup? Were you hoping for Monica, Bunky, or any of the other rejects? Are you loving the return of the Sixers? And do Janelle’s boobs seem bigger or what?