By Michael Slezak
Updated July 05, 2006 at 06:08 PM EDT

If there’s anything more troubling to me than today’s date (July 5? Wha…? Where’d June go?) or the weather (zoinks! the ark just floated past PopWatch HQ!), it’s the fact that no single single has emerged as the official song of summer 2006. Stereogum weighed in last week on behalf of Justin Timberlake‘s forthcoming “SexyBack” (a brief clip of it is kicking around cyberspace) while the New York Post has listed Nelly Furtado and Timbaland’s “Promiscuous” as the slight frontrunner over “SexyBack,” Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” and Beyonce’s “Déjà Vu.” (Hey, where Xtina at?) Fine choices all of ’em, but to me, none quite has the slightly scary ubiquity that defines a song of summer.

I’ll admit that I probably deserve to be taken out back with a can of tuna for saying it, but perhaps Fergie’s “London Bridge” (which is linked via this site) has what it takes to, er, bridge the gap. Yes, like cheese in a can, Funyons, and the Taco Bell Gordita, it’s so deadly, undeniably wrong, and yet I want to consume more, more, more. Is it possible Fergie stuffed some crack in the bassline, because I’ve had “London Bridge” on repeat loop all morning, and whenever and I try to stop it, I get a case of the mean sweats. Somebody, please, knock some sense into me. Tell me I’m wrong, and name something — anything — other than “London Bridge” as the song of summer ’06.

addCredit(“Stacy Fergie Ferguson: Jeffrey Mayer/”)