The 10 hottest topics for the week of June 30, 2006

By Scott Brown
Updated June 23, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 VH1 reality show searches for white rappers It’s affirmative action set to a beat I can’t dance to.

2 Updated Conan the Barbarian movie planned Emo the Barbarian will star a doe-eyed Jake Gyllenhaal.

3 Britney tearfully pleads for privacy On national television.

4 Reports allege Bruce Willis accidentally hit paparazzo Is this like when he accidentally committed to Bandits?

5 Soccer matches to be shown in movie theaters For just a dollar more, fans can supersize their post-match riot and enjoy Dolby ”surround vomit.”

6 AFI’s ”100 Most Inspiring Films” snubs Jesus movies ”Oh, come on,” said the Lamb of God. ”Seabiscuit?”

7 New device combines iPod dock and toilet paper dispenser Now I need never be separated from my Hoobastank.

8 Madonna reportedly wants to take Lindsay Lohan to Israel It is prophesied the coming of a Lohan to the Holy Land will touch off a Time of Clubbing.

9 Zach Braff and Mandy Moore rumored to have split The press release comes in the form of this great Shins song that, like, totally sums it all up.

10 Spider-Man unmasked I know, I know — how do I manage 10 mediocre jokes a week AND fight evil? Soy milk, kids.