On ''The Hills,'' Lauren's hometown heartbreaker returns to mess with her new life; plus, Heidi can't go to Vegas

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”The Hills”: Lauren reunites with the evil Jason

Sure, this isn’t Laguna Beach, but it’s a pleasure to be back for a week to dis and dish the comings and goings of Miss Lauren ”LC” Conrad. And since I’m new to this conversation, please let me indulge myself with some overarching observations about this season so far. First of all, we’re almost a month into the show, and I still can’t reconcile my love-hate thing for LC’s new right-hand gal, Heidi. For me, Heidi comes across as a mix of Lo and Kristin. In that Lo was this loving and lovable dimwit, and Kristin was this charismatic bitch. Except Heidi’s neither loving nor lovable, nor is she charismatic, so what does that leave us with? I mean…girl, get off those sofas! They’re for VIPs! Okay. Clearly I have some pent-up rage from early on in the season, but let us return to present matters.

This week we were welcomed by LC’s case of the hiccups. Kind of adorable, right? To which Heidi said, ”Drink water upside down, put a pencil in your mouth.” Huh? What the heck is Heidi talking about? A pencil? Just sounds like a way to stab your cheek, or get lead poisoning. (Or would that be graphite?)

And after two decades on earth, LC still doesn’t understand how to get rid of the hiccups? (Silly LC, you eat a spoonful of granulated sugar, slowly letting it dissolve on your tongue, before drinking a mix of peanut butter, wasabi, and lingonberry juice upside down. Boo!)

I suppose Heidi’s not all bad. She looks pretty competent on the phone. Also, I truly felt for her when she found out she couldn’t attend her company’s parties. During her office meeting, a huge smile would take over her face every time words like ”party” or ”Jacuzzi” or ”shiny” were used. Such elation was unfortunately ended by an anguish only William Styron could speak of — alas, no Vegas for sub-21-year-old, sub-smart Heidi. But she ”quit school for this!” (By the way, I’m no fan of Heidi’s boss either. This Bolthouse guy seems like a loser, pathetically complaining to the girl, ”Wharw my dwinky?” Ugh.)

Okay, enough Heidi. It’s time for the main event. Tonight’s episode was titled ”Lauren and Jason, Take Two.” Can you feel my eyes roll? We’re accustomed to having Laguna Beach play games with our hearts, but The Hills is just getting out of control too quickly. Has anything actually happened on this show yet? I feel that in every week’s coming attractions we’ve been promised some throwdown between Jason and LC. But then nothing happens. Aaah! Sure, LC received that ”tree” via UPS, but there’s no way Mr. Wood for Brains and Stone for Heart actually sent that. At least the producers have good taste in flower arrangements.

Then the boy finally reared his scary-scruffy head to take LC out on a date. Get the NoDoz out — the monotone is back. Duh huh uh! And in this post-Jess edition of the travails of Jason, he seems to have become romantic, eager to woo his former gal. He offered his jacket when LC was chilly, while groveling with comments like ”I didn’t even know what I was thinking” and ”I wanna start fresh.” Maybe the guy’s not such a dog anymore. Or maybe he’s just now warming up to the camera. Regardless, what I’m really wondering is how the boy gets such great restaurant service. I wanna go to more restaurants where I sit down and immediately am served salmon without even ordering. Los Angeles must be such a magical place.

After dinner, however, it seemed the romance wasn’t rekindled. Driving home, the two looked so uncomfortable. Let’s just say, judging by the looks on their faces, that there wasn’t any fiber in the meal. Slow, slow moving, if you catch my drift. (Also, someone should tell J that driving with the overhead light on is dangerous.)

But then they arrived at LC’s place. Whoa, they made out! And by that I mean Jason apparently devoured LC’s face. Yuck. But I suppose that makes sense. Remember those gross, bullet-wound-like hickies Jess was sporting last year? So let’s all let out a collective whew. Finally, something happened on this show that involved more than Heidi looking alternately confused and perplexed.

One last note, Heidi is utterly useless as a friend. (Seriously, for someone who usually speaks with an uppity drawl, she sounded like a dying typewriter when trying to console/warn LC about getting back with Jason: ”I. Just. Don’t. Want. To. See. You. Hurt. Again. Only. You. Know.”) Fellow intern (and Ivanka look-alike) Whitney has assumed the role of plot prodder, asking LC about ”any boys from home” and, if so, ”What’s his name?”

Come on, Whit. Of course you know about the LC-Jason saga. We all do. It’s our generation’s Abelard and Heloise, Tristan and Isolde, Tony Micelli and Angela Bower. Besides, there must have been some Laguna Beach aptitude test when they were auditioning you to become the ”other Vogue intern.”

What do you think? Is Heidi all that bad? Does Jason have a shot? And how do you cure the hiccups?

The Hills (TV Show)

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