Although the last time CBS did an all-star reality season, the winner didn't deserve it, we're psyched for ''Big Brother 7: All-Stars''

By Lynette Rice
Updated June 22, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

Big Brother: All-Stars

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The ”Big Brother” casting special: All-star power

The word thrilled can’t begin to describe how I feel about this edition of Big Brother — it’s more like, Mother of God, what in the hell was I doing, wishing for an all-star edition that could mark the return of Bunky and Chicken George? Okay, full disclosure — I really wouldn’t recognize Bunky and Chicken George if they bit me in the ass, since I didn’t start watching BB until the start of season 3 (but I hear that Dr. Will is a real piece of work — and what I don’t know, he tells us, because he’s always calling our offices to get some ink on his other reality show ”projects”). It doesn’t matter anyway. Fact is, we all know what happens when CBS does an all-star version of one of its reality shows — we get an anticlimactic installment that culminates with a winner who has no business taking home the cold, hard cash. So I ask you, my brothers and sisters: Will we get another Amber?

But first — welcome back. Glad to have you. Hope you had a great year. Trust you blubbered like I did when Denny bit it in the finale. How ’bout that Bob Schieffer? Okay, enough of that, let’s talk BB. First up, old business. As some of you may recall, I asked you guys last August to post your suggestions for a more improved Big Brother — which I sent to CBS with assurances that they’d make their way to BB‘s Allison Grodner and Arnold Shapiro. Now we won’t know until July 6 if they heeded all our advice, but I feel somewhat confident they at least took a gander at some of our suggestions. (Look at Nos. 4 and 11.)

Here are your top 20 ideas/gripes, in no particular order:

1. Live feeds from the sequester house.

2. Everyone gets a chance to compete for the power of veto. No more back-dooring!

3. Only one person allowed to sleep in the head-of-household room.

4. Do an all-stars show. Allow viewers to cast it.

5. Eliminate those needless set-ups by the Chenbot, which are almost always self-explanatory. And have a crew person take the ousted houseguest’s bag so we won’t have to hear Jules say, ”Put your bag down there!” every flippin’ week.

6. Viewers pick the winner unless BB allows the jury to have live feeds all day long so the ousted houseguests can see and hear what is really going on.

7. Give returning houseguests (like last year’s Kaysar) immunity for one week.

8. Let the HOH choose the nominees each week, then turn it over to the public to decide who is evicted. (Apparently, that’s how it’s still done in the U.K.)

8. Let the jury see diary-room chatter.

9. Add sound to the HOH TV.

10. Find a way to penalize houseguests for using expletives.

11. Change the PB&J diet to something equally, if not more, offensive — like mac and cheese or Spam. (Catch that part in last night’s show where Julie hinted at changes to the diet?)

12. Reward someone with the privilege of watching selected scenes from the diary room — but don’t let him or her spill anything to the other houseguests.

13. More competitions that require skill — not guessing games!

14. Add an ”America’s choice” eviction midway through the season.

15. Allow all houseguests one 10-minute phone call anytime during the game so friends on the outside can fill them in on what’s going on.

16. Increase prize to $1 million.

17. Have the six sequestered players choose the two finalists and give America the final vote.

18. Power-of-veto winner picks his replacement should he remove himself from the chopping block.

19. Dock Julie’s pay every time she says ”but first.”

20. Allow more time in the finale to interview the winner and runner-up. Make it two hours long.

Okay, so the last one really mattered only last season because we hoped Chen would use that hour to expose the sheep for the duplicitous ho’s they really were, but you catch the general drift. Do these suggestions jibe with yours? What would you like to see them do differently?

In the meantime, discussions about new rules and that new lounge-lizard set, with flames painted on the walls (all that was missing was a neon sign flashing ”Girls! Girls! Girls!”), may have to carry us until July 6 because last night’s show was damn anticlimactic for the true BB fan. Only two weeks ago, the Internet was abuzz with rumors that had inadvertently posted on its website the name of all of the 20 candidates who would vie for the 12 openings in the house: Alison, Bunky, Cowboy, Dana, Danielle, Diane, Erika, George, Howie, Ivette, James, Janelle, Jase, Kaysar, Lisa, Marcellas, Mike, Monica, Nakomis, and Will. CBS tried to throw us off the scent by posting other names on its site (Amy, Drew, and Jack, among them), but the damage was already done. We ain’t stupid, CBS. You can’t pay tribute to past season greats without inviting Nakomis and Dr. Will, and we wouldn’t even show if they didn’t bring us Kaysar.

So here’s who we have to choose from (and what I roughly estimate the odds are of them making the final cut next week):

BB 1‘s Chicken George. Dude lets his freak flag fly, but who needs this distant memory when we can still see Jase in our rearview mirror? 72 to 1.

BB 2‘s Bunky. Even when he’s wearing a shirt, I can see his back hair. 66-1.

BB 2‘s Will. The best player in Big Brother history deserves another shot at the $500K. Too bad the houseguests will drop him after the first week. 2-1.

BB 2‘s Mike Boogie. Guy’s a walking party, but his friendship with Dr. Evil also makes him an early target for eviction. 10-1.

BB 2‘s Monica. Mommy, she scares me. 50-1.

BB 3‘s Marcellas. We’ll miss him on House Calls, but homeboy needs a chance to make up for that idiotic veto ceremony. 3 to 1.

BB 3‘s Lisa. So pretty! So tall! So sexy! So boring. 40 to 1.

BB 3‘s Danielle. You got robbed, girlfriend. She’s my pick to go the distance. 3 to 1.

BB 4‘s Erika. That reminds me — remember how her ex picked his nose throughout the show? Disgusting, I know — not that it makes her a booger or anything. 5 to 2.

BB 4‘s Dana. Spits acid. So what’s the problem? 2 to 1.

BB 4‘s Alison. Nooooooo! 35 to 1.

BB 5‘s Jase. See entry for Chicken George. 4 to 1.

BB 5‘s Cowboy. Mommy, he saddens me. 4 to 1.

BB 5‘s Nakomis. You know she’s thinking, ”Great! But do I really have to pretend to like that goober brother of mine?” 2 to 1.

BB 5‘s Diane. Sub in entry for Lisa — except for the part about her being tall, sexy, and pretty. 40 to 1.

BB 6‘s Howie. Managed to call April ”Busto” during last night’s short interview. Nice! 2 to 1.

BB 6‘s Kaysar. Without question. Even.

BB 6‘s Ivette. This is a joke, right? She won’t get in, right? America can’t be that forgiving, right? 70 to 1.

BB 6‘s James. The only guy strong enough to go head to head with Will. 7 to 1.

BB 6‘s Janelle. Marcellas? Meet your new Amy. You kids should get along great. 2 to 1.

If you’ve been keeping up with Internet chatter, you know that some all-stars are more equal than others. At least six of the players above were reportedly given guarantees by CBS that they’d make the cut. (I’m thinking they’re Kaysar, Will, Nakomis, Howie, Marcellas, and Danielle.) That leaves America only six holes to fill — not that I care who ends up in the house. Even with Alison and Ivette in the mix, I wouldn’t trade in this edition for a million Grey’s Anatomy episodes with Denny (though I do wish Jack were among the all-star litter, because I do so miss hearing Erika call him a ”father figure” every friggin’ time she talks about BB 4).

We’ve got lots planned for this summer, including our TV Watches after the weekly eviction ceremony and online interviews with the ousted all-stars. Until then, what do you think the chances are that Cowboy can stage a comeback? Have you changed your mind about Ivette? Who’s your early pick for the grand prize? And who (or what) is responsible for the track marks down Julie’s pants?

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Big Brother: All-Stars

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