By Michael Slezak
Updated June 09, 2006 at 07:03 PM EDT

11:02 a.m. Whew! Barbara’s there… I was worried for a second she might not show.

11:04 a.m. “Special woast!” Also on the panel: Joan Rivers, Mario Cantone, and… Kelsey Grammer?

11:06 a.m. In a move that’s supposed to be shamelessly funny, but just seems shameless, Grammer “accidentally” slips X-Men footage into his review of Meredith’s life. What a Beast!

11:11 a.m. It’s a montage of Meredith dancing. Not a bad hoofer, actually.

11:12 a.m. Joan Rivers! Ooo, I hope she’s drunk!

11:14 a.m. Joan is shrieking at Meredith’s kids. They look so very (and rightfully) afraid.

11:16 a.m. It’s a Heather Mills McCartney limb joke. Sigh.

11:17 a.m. Joan locks on Meredith’s daughter, demanding that sheavoid prenups with future spouses. “LEARN!” she howls. “LEARN!”Seriously, this is so frickin’ frightening right now.

11:17 a.m. I hope the FCC doesn’t have a problem with the word”bitch,” seeing that Joan’s used it like 11 times already. (Or, forthat matter, my editor…)

11:18 a.m. Yes, folks, it’s a seamless segue into more shrieking, and more uses of the b-word…here comes Mario Cantone!

11:19 a.m. Fresh as always, Mario makes a David Gest joke.

11:21 a.m. “The first time I had sexual intercourse withMeredith Vieira,” Cantone begins. It’s like a machine gun of unfunny,but he ain’t killing the audience.

11:22 a.m. Cantone’s joke about Meredith confusing the word”Lisbon” with a descriptive term for Rosie O’Donnell is met with stonysilence. Am I actually looking forward to the Hasselbot?

11:23 a.m. Gilbert Gottfried dressed as a veterinarian? Makingjokes about Heather Mills McCartney’s cat using her leg as a scratchingpost? I know it’s not Today, but this is the best they could get?

11:25 a.m. Not to be all old-school, but what’s with the use of “bitch”? Et tu, Gilbert?

11:33 a.m. Joy Behar’s up, and the way she’s discussing Meredith’s journalistic integrity, you know we’re gonna get some good clips.

11:34 a.m. Meredith dressed as a dancing hot dog, singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Awesome.

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11:36 a.m. Cue montages of Meredith bussing a string of maleand female guests and cohosts. Whoa! She just totally licked theHasselbot’s arm!

11:42 a.m. It’s Meredith’s turn to speak. Does this mean Star and the ‘Bot are gettin’ muzzled?

11:44 a.m. Noting Katie Couric’s big-league sendoff from Today,Meredith complains all she’s getting are “a few lousy film clips and adead stuffed pussycat.” Whoa. I know Joan Rivers was harsh, but I can’tbelieve Meredith just went there.

11:45 a.m. Meredith says she asked for George Clooney and all she got was Gilbert Gottfried. Join the club, sister!

11:48 a.m. Meredith says she’ll always wear underwear on Today. Alrighty then!

11:49 a.m. Oh, I get it. That was a setup to show off a pair of knickers emblazoned with the faces of her four cohosts. But still. Ew.

11:52 a.m. Grab the Kleenex. Meredith’s hubby, Richard Cohen, is on the mic.

11:53 a.m. Actually, the dude’s pretty funny, wondering if Today is about to devolve into an incomprehensible shouting match among his wife, Matt, Al, and Ann.

11:54 a.m. Meredith’s son Ben gives a sweet shout-out to his Auntie Star. My entire View view is rocked.

11:56 a.m. Meredith gets Michael Feinstein to play “Rhode Island Is Famous for You,” which I’m taking as a sweet adieu, not a wild display of egotism.

11:58 a.m. Champagne for everyone! (Except for me. Rats.)

11:59 a.m. Star and The ‘Bot squeeze in their heartfeltgoodbyes. Barbara asks what other TV host would devote her last day tomaking fun of herself? Meredith agrees to close the show, but notbefore throwing back the champs. A fine farewell from a fine woman. Seeyou in September, Mer!

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