First comes the news that Keanu Reeves is looking for a wife, then I find this on Fakecraigslist.org:
SWK, 41, 6’1″, trim, active, able to move seamlessly between world of man and machine, ISO wife. What meant by “wife”? Wife can take many forms. Form of polar bear, for example. SWK digs that sometimes. Wife/polar bear should enjoy recreational kung fu, grape Nerds, and the basslines of all Dogstar songs. Should know what “Dogstar” is and not be cute about it. Willingness to withstand long silences a must. Conversation as you “humans” know it will not always be forthcoming, so bring a book. Should want kids and be able to assemble one blindfolded in under five minutes, if called upon. Should enjoy long walks in rain by realizing that rain doesn’t exist outside of the human mind so we’re not actually wet. Should be willing/able to tumble-dry clothes anyway, just so we don’t catch pneumonia from otherwise attractive Zen abstraction. Should be able and willing to wrap SWK in fresh plantain leaves each night, then bury SWK under 3 feet of virgin loam imported from secluded cloud forest in Peru. (Keeps skin supple.) Should also like Weezer. Pics for trade, or just rent Johnny Mnemonic, freeze-frame at 1:35:16 (you can see a little nipple). No mind games, no robots. Been there, done that.
addCredit(“Keanu Reeves: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images”)