In a hotel-uniform-designing competition on ''The Apprentice,'' the men beat the best girlfriends of Synergy, who turn on each other in the boardroom

By Whitney Pastorek
Updated May 23, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT
Credit: The Apprentice: Virginia Sherwood
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”The Apprentice”: Girl-girl firing action!

So I stayed out kinda late tonight. Blame the Yankees-Red Sox game, and then after that I guess blame Spurs-Mavs, and then Giants-Cards (Barry Bonds, insert expletive here), and finally, I suppose, the first half of the Clippers-Suns. Thank God they pretty much ran out of Molson or we might have been there all night. Don’t ask why certain members of my party were drinking Molson. Anyhoo, consequently, I am very thankful to Sean, whose witticisms did most of my work for me tonight; I am also thankful that this show does not appear on NBC’s fall schedule, thus ensuring that my alcoholism will have time to bloom — nay, flower — come the latter half of 2006.

Let’s hit the basics!

Task Design new uniforms for the staff of Embassy Suites

George No, Don Jr.

Carolyn No, Ivanka

Goldshuggenah project manager, not that it really matters once you’re down to two people Lee

Synergy project manager, not that it really matters once the girls have gone through the mind-melding process Allie

Tonight’s Lesson ”Work vs. Friendship.” Gee, I wonder who’s gonna lose.

Reward Dinner with the almost frighteningly well-adjusted Trump children

So while the heavily metrosexual Sean (although what’s up with those sanatorium pajamas, dude?) and his little buddy Lee set about designing uniforms that the employees of Embassy Suites would actually want to wear, Allie and Roxanne put together what looked like costumes for The Jetsons Take Manhattan. Their big idea: culottes. Culottes, people. And when it came time for the employees to vote on which they liked better, shockingly, they did not opt for the shiny-textured khaki spacesuits with the puff sleeves, and Synergy lost by a crushing 83 to 37.

But the meat of the episode wasn’t in the task (especially after Tonight’s Lesson basically held up a giant card that read, ”The Ladies Are Gonna Lose”), it was in the commentary. We spent an amazing amount of the night listening to Sean lament everything, but most especially last week’s firing of his lady love, Tammy. And trust me: No one likes an Brit after his lady love has been scorned. Thus, ladies and gentlemen, I am now proud to present…Sean.

On the surviving ladies of Synergy ”I’m so bored with their rubbish.”

On Roxanne’s fashion sense ”She looks like a fruit salad.”

On the uniforms Synergy designed If he had to wear them, ”I’d feel like a complete a–hole.” Also ”The cast of Dynasty called. They want their shoulder pads back.”

On winning ”Tammy? Baby? That was for you. Mwah!

On his relationship with Tammy ”I think she’s bloody gorgeous. I just need to convince her that I’m gorgeous and that we need to have lots of Apprentice babies.”

(Tammy. Baby. Don’t be a bloody fool.)

But even in all that genius, Sean did not deliver the quote of the season. That, my ducklings, came during this short play, performed by Allie and Roxanne on the eve of their elimination:

[Allie and Roxanne are lounging about their room, staring deeply into each other’s eyes and discussing their failure on the uniform task. As Allie lies on her back with a sheet pulled up to her chin, Roxanne clutches her knees in despair.]

Allie ”There wasn’t one thing [in their uniforms] that I would say is uncomfortable.”

Roxanne ”What’s uncomfortable is this is our last night together.”

[They embrace. Lots.]


Then, the Wonder Twins went to the boardroom. Despite all their protestations of ”I won’t throw her under the bus” and ”I think he should hire both of us,” it wasn’t to be. Trump’s heart grew three sizes today, and he was suddenly crushed by the cruelty of these two women — who are so obviously in love, in an Allie-is-probably-beating-Roxanne-when-the-cameras-are-off kind of way — turning on each other. And in a moment I’ve been dreaming about for weeks, he fired them both. Both!

I wish I could say I was sorry. But I ain’t. Losing, to quote Mr. Trump, is s—, kids. But friendship, at least as it is defined by Allie and Roxanne’s very crowded cab ride (why don’t they ever get to put their bags in the trunk?), is forever.

Next week! Sean and Lee compete in their final task, with help from those voted off and, apparently, you, America. That’s right: It’s Apprentice Idol! Seacrest out!

What do you think? Did the women both deserve to go? Have Sean and Tammy found true love? And which of the ousted Apprentici do you want to see come back for the final task? Anybody?

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