TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

”I want you to drink this and try really hard to act like you aren’t scary and damaged.”
FINN (CHRIS O’DONNELL), TO MEREDITH (ELLEN POMPEO), ON GREY’S ANATOMY

”Every day is a gift. It’s just, does it have to be a pair of socks?”
TONY (JAMES GANDOLFINI), DURING A THERAPY SESSION WITH DR. MELFI (LORRAINE BRACCO), ON THE SOPRANOS

”In her divorce petition, Denise Richards alleges Charlie Sheen is addicted to gambling, pornography, and prostitutes, all of which make him an unfit father…but a great uncle.”
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE

”When I sit next to her, all I smell is just…bitch.”
JOANIE, TALKING ABOUT FELLOW CONTESTANT JADE, ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

”His brother tried to rape you, and his mother keeps the guy locked up in a basement. I mean, let’s face it, Danielle: Even you can do better.”
ANDREW (SHAWN PYFROM), SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE HIS SISTER (JOY LAUREN) SHOULD FIND A NEW BOYFRIEND, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”Oh my God, I’m gonna have a chocolate ice cream bar in about one minute.”
SHANE, DOING A NYAAH-NYAAH DANCE IN FRONT OF THE TRIBEMATES WHO JUST VOTED HIM OFF, ON SURVIVOR

”It was announced this week that Rosie O’Donnell will replace Meredith Vieira on The View in September. The show will now be called The Obstructed View.”
TINA FEY, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE