In a battle-of-the-sexes competition on ''The Apprentice,'' the guys get outsold even though they throw a better tailgate party
The Apprentice (Season 5)
Credit: The Apprentice: Virginia Sherwood

”The Apprentice”: Never give up a cheerleader!

My friend Jami suggested that a way to break up the monotony of these recaps would be to start writing them in foreign languages, so…

¡Hola! ¿Cómo están? Esta noche, yo escribo el recap en español, porque yo soy aburrido. Muy aburrido. Pero, mi español no es bueno, así que pararé ahora….

Good evening, ducklings. Is anyone else feeling the fatigue of a long season starting to really get you down? Trump’s voice-over tonight bellowed, ”The stakes could not be higher!” and yet the ennui. Oh, the ennui. Not even the chance to win $10,000 by voting for who should be fired could get me excited tonight. By the way, is anyone else having a hard time with this thing where all television programs must be turned into American Idol now? Does America really need to have a say in everything? I mean, we can’t be bothered to take interest in our communities or schools or government or death-grip gas prices, but we’ve all got time to text in because we can’t stand Lee? I suppose the $10,000 could fill the tank of my Escalade for a year, but still…

The episode opened on the Synergy women berating Sean for his betrayal of two weeks ago. ”I’m adrift in a sea of estrogen!” he wailed, as Allie, Roxanne, and Tammy pecked him to death whilst the poor guy just tried to get some sleep. Thank God for earplugs. And thank God for Trump’s decision to even out the teams, and Sean’s decision to flee the distaff misery of Synergy for the relatively more masculine confines of Goldflabber. (Michael really pulls their average down.)

Today’s task was to go to Rutgers University and throw a tailgate party sponsored by Outback Steakhouse; whoever sold the most food would win. ”Let’s go have a good time!” Trump chirped, before walking everyone out on a field to ogle the cheerleaders. Trump, by the way, loves him some cheerleaders, even the Rutgers cheerleaders, who are actually pretty dull — they don’t do herkies or throw themselves in the air or nuthin’. Snore, I say. Bring it on, ladies! I wanna see round-off back flips and I want to see them now! Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!

Uh, so Goldswaggle, led by Lee, had the plan to throw like the biggest rager ever, with a money pit and eating contests and a thousand women. (Not thousands, just…hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds. Okay, like a thousand.) They scored a deal to have the cheerleaders hang out exclusively at their party — a deal Michael tried to blow by almost agreeing to send a couple cheerleaders over to Synergy when the cheerleading coach asked if that would be okay. (Sean: ”Grow some balls and say no, you wanker, no!”) Golddillydilly also got out and flyered the campus early, getting everyone all super-psyched, and Allie and Roxanne and Tammy started to pout as they saw the task going right down the drain.

But all was not lost, friends, and one should never, ever underestimate girl power! Yes, that’s right: Chicks rule! Get me some Spice Girls, stat! People, if I had a Melissa Etheridge CD for every time Roxanne said something about Synergy’s girl power tonight, I…well, let’s just say I could finally stop crying myself to sleep every night because I never went to Lilith Fair. It just makes me want to claw out my eyes, that phrase. Because girl power, by definition, implies that in a power situation, women are set apart from men and must use their unique, Pink Power Ranger-type skills to prevail, rather than just putting on their thinking caps and finding a way to handle the situation like rational human beings. And the thing is, the latter is exactly what Synergy did: They put on frumpy cheerleading uniforms over pants and walked around the parking lot taking orders and delivering the tailgate food. They weren’t selling sex, they weren’t cleverly utilizing hairspray or tampons, they were just selling food in a really smart way. So why must they go and color it in the bright fuchsia flower print of girl power? Aaah. I need to go get a glass of wine or something. Hang on.

Better now.

At the end of the game, everyone headed back to Trump Tower to learn that whilst the Goldodors had created quite a spectacle with their money pit and eating contests, no one had really bought any food, and Synergy ended up winning by $1000. Whoops. Girl power! The chicks trotted off to make their own wine whilst Sean and Lee played basketball and talked out strategy, and Michael picked out which Mr. Rogers sweater would best bring out the dull in his eyes. In the boardroom, Sean and Lee placed the blame on poor Mr. Rogers for not selling and for trying to give cheerleaders to Synergy, and Mr. Rogers didn’t even really put up much of a fight. ”When you have a cheerleader, you never give her up!” hollered Trump in disbelief, and the best Michael could say in response was ”But that didn’t lose the task….” Too bad he’s right. Too bad Carolyn is also right in saying that he has no competitive edge. I would like to add to that point and say that even though Lee should have gotten the boot for setting the prices too low (karma = a bitch), I am in no way sorry to see Michael hit the road.

Now it’s down to two really smart, interesting guys, and three really spaztastic women. I am begging the universe for some fisticuffs next week. Maybe a little Sean-Roxanne fight on the balcony that ends when Roxanne grabs Sean by the belt, bends him over the railing, jams her hand under his chin, and screams, ”Who’s the wanker now, limey? Huh? Who’s the wanker?” and then Tammy comes rushing out in hysterics, grabs Roxanne by the hair, and pulls her off the Brit, yelling, ”Stop! Stop! Dammit, I love him, you whore!

Oh well. A girl can dream, can’t she? Hasta luego, patitos.

What do you think? Are the women unstoppable? Is Carolyn ever wrong? And does Trump seem particularly lecherous this season?

The Apprentice
  • TV Show