James Gandolfini

In honor of E3, we present a walk-through of the newly announced Sopranos videogame. It won’t be out until holiday-season 2006, but we have, rather improbably, obtained a copy.

First off, press down-down-up-up-left-right-left-right-select-start to begin the game with unlimited subplots. (Hold down “B” for “secretly gay.”)

Press start, and find yourself in a first-person perspective. You are Sopranos creator David Chase. In front of you stands HBO. HBO has a backpack full of cash. It’s asking you for six more seasons. HBO can only be defeated with the “Carnivale Obscurity Cannon,” and you don’t have one, so just take the money.

Next, Lauren Bacall jumps out. Hit her in the face. Then check your tone gauge to see if this was funny, shocking, or just dumb.

Here comes Vito… what stereotypically gay thing should he cotton to this week? Broadway shows? (Hold down “R,” press “X.”) French cuisine? (Hold down “foie,” press “gras.”) Exfoliating? (Rake controller over back, loofah-like. Press “M” to moisturize.)

Paulie can only carry so much story-weight as a character, but you can increase his capacity by getting him a bigger Cadillac. Do this before going through the door marked “Remember that Russian guy from the Pine Barrens?”

The “B” button is for “boobs,” when you need to transition via the Bing.

Ready to fight the Boss? Good, because Gandolfini’s renegotiating his pay package.

addCredit(“The Sopranos: Anthony Neste”)

James Gandolfini
The Sopranos
  • TV Show
stream service