On ''The Apprentice,'' Gold Rush finally wins when the teams create brochures for Ellis Island, and outcast Andrea takes the blame
The Apprentice (Season 5)
Credit: The Apprentice: Virginia Sherwood

”The Apprentice”: Another outcast gets cast out

I fell asleep on the floor tonight while listening to my Astros blow it in the ninth inning (Nomar Garciaparra, you are dead to me), so I’m in a horrible mood, and if this episode of The Apprentice had given me any trouble, there would have been — to borrow a phrase from Allie — blood on the walls, f—ing blood everywhere. Luckily, it was pretty innocuous, and so it will live to see another day. Wish I could say the same for Andrea.

Oh, wait, no I don’t.

The evening kicked off with Charmaine braying about the eventual loss of last week’s firee, Leslie. ”Maybe I’m just dumb…” she said, and then she said something else, but I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling, ”Yes! Yes you are!” at the TV. Tonight’s project was to design a souvenir brochure for Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, sponsored by Ameriquest Mortgages, who are also, please note, the proud sponsors of the American Dream. To save his scrawny ass, Lee decided to be project manager for Gold Label, and Allie stepped up to manage Synergy, which was very synergistic because three out of her four grandparents had come through Ellis Island. Note: Her nostalgia in no way approached Sean’s White House yammerings. In fact, we made it all the way through this fairly patriotic episode without hearing a peep out of Sean about his green card, but apparently he was too busy being hypnotized by Andrea’s swirly eyeballs to think of anything other than how to save her scrawny ass. Lots of scrawny asses on this show. Bring back Brent!

I always like it when they’re not just shilling for some massive box store but actually doing something helpful that involves New York City itself. And we all had the chance to learn a little something: Did you know that the immigration process was quick, unless it took eight months? Eight months! And I bitched about the transit strike? I am such a spoiled brat. Speaking of spoiled brats, tonight’s Lesson was ”All in the Family,” because the roles of George and Carolyn were played by…the Trumplings, Ivanka and Donald Jr., in his first appearance. I gotta say once again how impressed I am with these children. Maybe it’s their mother’s influence (although I do not currently recall who specifically mothered them…Marla?), but both youngsters are articulate, friendly, and very nicely groomed, right down to Don-Don’s burgeoning Bono mullet.

The middle part of the ep was pretty dry: Golden Ticket took pictures, Tarek designed a really nice-looking brochure, Charmaine made that braying noise while she and Lee tried to sell the brochures in bulk to hotels, they got up early and hit the ferry line at Battery Park and sold the damn things like hotcakes, a whopping $85 bulk sale came in, and all in all, they did an excellent job. ”Winning — best remedy for feeling like crap,” said Lee, as they headed out to Trump International Golf Whatever to play a round with Vijay Singh.

Meanwhile, over at Synergy, the wheels were coming off. Under-the-Radar Tammy left her notebook with all the phun phacts like ”the immigration process was quick, unless it took eight months” sitting on the counter of the museum and had to run back to get it, and so she and Allie missed the ferry, leaving Andrea in charge of the graphic design. No matter what she tells you, Andrea’s area of expertise is not graphic design. And since Allie wasn’t there to supervise Andrea’s crappy graphic design, they lost.

Well, not quite. Here’s what really happened: Allie doesn’t like Andrea. No one likes Andrea. Therefore, it must be Andrea’s fault that Synergy got their asses kicked. It clearly had nothing to do with their not getting out of bed and being first at Battery Park so they could sell to the ferry line, or with their strange decision to then go try and sell brochures on the island to all the people who had just bought Goldsmeller’s brochures in the ferry line, or the fact that they didn’t attempt bulk sales at all, or Sean’s dopey American flag tie, etc. Anyone with half a brain (and/or Ivanka Trump, who appears to have a full brain) can see this is not true.

But Allie decided to base her case on the fact that Andrea bombs at sales and graphic design, and it worked because, additionally, Andrea bombs at being human. When Allie, Roxanne, and Tammy confronted her in the apartment, she just started muttering, ”You bitches lie. You lie, bitches. Bitches.” Nice talk, sugar mouth! As a last resort, she went ahead and hypnotized Sean, but alas, the combined force of the three women’s hatred (see above: ”blood on the f—ing walls”) and Roxanne’s truly refreshing ability to string together four or five words that actually resemble real-life English was enough to make Trump fire Andrea on the spot, no second round needed.

Yes, no matter what Andrea tells you, her area of expertise is now and always will be stickers. But don’t worry, Andrea: You’ve not only got piles and piles of money to roll around in when you get home, but I bet you can find a smiley face to stick on your forehead! Maybe even one that smells like strawberries. Oh, crap, are you crying? The ice queen is crying in the cab? Holy mackerel, and just when I thought I’d seen it all.

On a final note, I would just like to say: Damn you, Martha Arzate from San Pedro, California! That $10,000 was mine. Mine! Martha, go stand with Nomar! Dead to me! Blood on the walls!

What do you think? Why did the other women hate Andrea so much? Why did Sean like her? And do you want to see more of the Trumplings?

The Apprentice
  • TV Show