TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

”Mothers don’t lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa’s not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.”
LYNETTE (FELICITY HUFFMAN), ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”I think I liked you better when you just hit people with your stick.”
BERNARD (SAM ANDERSON) TO MR. EKO (ADEWALE AKINNUOYE-AGBAJE), ON LOST

”Hugh Hefner celebrated his 80th birthday last Saturday. Which means Hef is finally at a stage in his life where spending all day in his pajamas is age-appropriate.”
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

”Jennifer Lopez is suing to stop her ex-husband from publishing a tell-all….He won’t get a lot of money up front, but there’ll be a huge back end.”
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

”American Idol judge Paula Abdul filed a police report accusing a man of assaulting her at a weekend party. Out of habit, she then added, ‘But I loved his spirit — he put everything into it.’ ”
DAVID SPADE, ON THE SHOWBIZ SHOW