On ''Survivor,'' Bruce's digestive problems cause him so much suffering that he has to be evacuated
Credit: Bruce Kanegai: Monty Brinton

”Survivor”: Bruce’s path to victory is blocked

First things first. I’m not giving Jenna Morasca five dollars. A few weeks ago on Survivor Live, after they showed us the clip of someone being carried out on a stretcher, I said it looked like a girl, Morasca said it looked like a guy, and a five-dollar wager was agreed to. Of course, approximately 30 seconds after said bet was made, I remembered that Jenna Morasca is a walking spoiler. She trolls every message board, talks to every contestant, and basically has everything figured out before Mark Burnett even films it. So, Morasca — I ain’t payin’.

This comes after we’ve seen that, yes, Bruce was the one carried off — by a naked Shane, no less (there has to be a better way to go than that). Unlike Morasca, I like to know nothing when I watch a Survivor episode, and here is a perfect example of why. We saw the clip in March of someone being taken away on a stretcher; then last week we saw Bruce doubled over in pain; and then CBS issued an episode description saying that someone would be taken out of the game for medical attention. Put all three pieces of information together and you have…no reason to bother watching the episode!

Okay, maybe that’s being a bit harsh. There was plenty of other stuff to enjoy, such as Bruce’s seemingly hourly bowel-movement updates, Cirie giving her voodoo doll boobs, Terry taking his traditional pensive pose on top of the Exile Island skull (a pose I struck myself, although with much less dramatic results), and, of course, the Shane and Courtney Show! See Courtney be told by her tribemates that she never shuts up, is a poser, and is also the most annoying person in camp. See Shane get pissed at Cirie for not taking him to a spa getaway, and then later see him start sucking face with her. And finally, see Courtney tell Shane, ”I want to be on your backside and I’d like you to be on mine.” (Does that mean what I think it means? Because if it means what I think it means, then I’m still not sure how it made it past network censors and on the air. And I think I need to go wash my brain out with soap.)

As for Bruce, I’m not trying to make light of his medical situation, but do you think he was regretting scarfing down those two ginormous burgers at the last immunity challenge? They alone may have counted for approximately half of his ”blockage.” (Am I the only one who worried that when that doctor showed up and put on the headlight, he would be looking at something besides Bruce’s stomach?) Now what I am about to propose may make me sound like a bastard — especially coming on the heels of my very public bet welshing — but once Bruce left the island on a stretcher, his game should have been over right then and there. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. (No pun intended with the ”but” thing, by the way.) Once you’ve left the game, you should not be allowed back in under any circumstances, unless you are an Outcast, in which case it seems you can sleep in luxury accommodations, dine on steak and caviar for a few days, and basically do whatever the hell you want before coming back to make the final two.

I know the edit made it look like all the contestants were supremely concerned about their fallen tribemate, but you can’t tell me that once they found out he was going to be okay, they weren’t a bit relieved he wasn’t coming back, putting them all one step closer to the cool mil. Everyone kept going on about what a hero Bruce is and how much respect they had for him, but as the reward challenge clearly pointed out, he was the next to go (since Terry already had the hidden immunity idol). It’s kind of a shame because Bruce is an interesting fellow and did provide us with this episode’s most classic moment, writhing around in pain as Courtney asked if her serenading him would help. ”No” came the terse reply. So what does she do? She starts singing anyway! ”Don’t,” pleaded Bruce, listening to a ditty that surely was more painful that even a machete to the face.

And don’t look now, but RoboSurvivor II: The Sequel is now guaranteed of making it to at least the final five. What Terry is doing so far is in one way even more impressive than Tom Westman’s achievements, in that he has been in the minority as opposed to the majority and has really had to win all his challenges to stay in the game. On the other hand, Tom killed a freakin’ shark. I’ll stick with the Long Island Locomotive for now, but the navy fighter pilot definitely is on the path toward an impressive showing. Will any of the crazed Casayans give him the loot, though? He may need to get on some of their backsides to seal the deal.

What do you think? Would Bruce have been voted out anyway? And who’s crazier — Shane or Courtney?