Credit: Tom Cruise: Rolf Klatt/

Attention, heroin addicts! Tom Cruise can get you clean in three days, according to comments he made in this month’s GQ.

This is a pretty significant advance on current detox programs, which can be painful, laborious, and unsuccessful. Faced with such an amazing revelation in medical science, we decided to publish Cruise’s findings (as totally made up by us):

DAY 1: The drug Cocktail

Look at you. You’re addicted to smack. Now look at Tom Cruise. He’s handsome and addicted to nothing but awesomeness. And he’s here, in your house, jumping on your couch, talking about clean living and B vitamins. He puts on Cocktail, turns up the volume. Suddenly, it’s like there are TWO Tom Cruises in your house. One of them’s making tropical drinks to the strains of “Kokomo.” The other one is hooking you up to some kind of extraterrestrial mood machine. Both of them are smiling. Hard.

Then Real Tom, the one with the mood machine, asks what you’d like to do tonight. You say heroin. Tom shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. He still loves you. This is probably the best day of your life, even though you can’t understand how Tom Cruise got in your house without a key.

As you lose consciousness, you realize: Cocktail is an amazing movie.

DAY 2: Legend is the strongest medicine

Tom Cruise has a very serious look on his face. This is the day, he explains, where we watch Legend. “It’s going to be hard, but we’re going to get through it… together.” Just hearing him say this makes you want heroin. You’ve never watched Legend without heroin before. It all goes pretty well until the unicorn shows up. Then you start to freak out. Man, Tim Curry is terrifying in all that devil makeup!

Tom takes your hand and tells you a story about the making of this movie. He reveals that none of it is made up. It is, in fact, a documentary. For some reason, this calms you. You want heroin a little less. You want a Legend sequel a little more. You’re not sure how to feel about this. But Tom is smiling. He loves you. He assures you that, whatever you may have seen or heard, Tim Curry is really dead and can’t hurt anyone anymore.

DAY 3: Emotherapy

Tom Cruise is cuing up his big scene from Magnolia. He’s not going to make you watch the whole thing because he’s awesome that way. Also, your therapy is almost over. You love Tom Cruise. You love clean living. You hate heroin and realize that it’s for jerks. You really, really love Vanilla Sky, which is clearly underrated and misunderstood.

Tom Cruise gathers his modest belongings and prepares to go. You’re 99 percent sure you’re off heroin, but you don’t want him to leave. You still haven’t watched Born on the Fourth of July. You want to hear the story of his battle with dyslexia, which happened on the side of a volcano and ended with dyslexia trying to spin-kick Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise using dyslexia’s momentum against it and sending it flying into the flaming caldera.

But no. Tom Cruise is leaving. He tells you one final story: “Look back,” he says, “at the footprints in the sand. Where there are two sets of footprints, that is where I walked with you. Where there is one set… that is where I carried you.” You ask why there’s so much sand in your apartment, but Tom Cruise just smiles and says he’ll pay for it. He’s awesome that way.

addCredit(“Tom Cruise: Rolf Klatt/”)