What follows is a totally, completely, not-so-authentic excerpt from the notorious upcoming J. Lo tell-all by ex-husband Ojani Noa. The book itself is in litigation filed by Ms. Lo, but its supremely witty title — The Unknown Truth: A Passionate Portrait of a Serial Thriller — promises greatness. Greatness we can’t wait for. Here’s our best fabrication approximation of the juicy passages Jennifer Lopez doesn’t want you to read.

p. 24
“Jennifer came in after a long day, removed her famous behind, and sat down. That’s right: She removed it. It’s nothing but an oversized fannypack from Sam’s Club. Jennifer is actually quite slim-hipped, with a build comparable to that of a young Don Knotts. Inside the fake ass-pack: a secret stash of Red Hots and a copy of The Fountainhead with a bookmark that never seems to move.”

p. 178
“Jennifer thinks Matt Damon probably did ‘all the heavy lifting’ on the Good Will Hunting screenplay. ‘Also,’ she told me over dinner, ‘the shrink scenes are kind of trite, aren’t they?'”

p. 351
“I walked in to find Jennifer in a compromising position with the computer that synth-enhances her voice. There were memory sticks and USB cables all over the room: They weren’t even trying to hide it. ‘YOU CAN’T PLEASE HER THE WAY I CAN!’ bleeped the AudioMaster X650, as Jennifer broke down in tears.”

This blogger, for one, can’t wait for the movie.

addCredit(“Jennifer Lopez: Jeffrey Mayer/”)