Paula Abdul was totally on something the other night. And the something she was on was The Tonight Show. And holy schadenfreude, was it painful.

In the pantheon of awkward, irreparably compromised talk-show interviews, it doesn’t approach the gold standard, Madonna on Letterman, 1994. But one could still feel that familiar is-this-the-end-of-civilization? thrill as Paula laid into Jay for his perceived attacks on her whimsical American Idol persona. SEE her totter in that bizarre chapeau! HEAR her deliver a strenuously unfunny joke monologue about a drinking problem she then denies having! GASP as she uses her décolletage to hawk a line of “bargain” jewelry!

I mean, it’s not the worst talk show moment in history. And it’s certainly not Matthew McConaughey’s brilliantly woozy appearance on The Daily Show a few years back. (Will someone please upload this? Please?) But it’s a hall of famer. And I’ll have what she’s having.