I haven’t watched ER in eons, and the addition of John Stamos to the permanent cast probably won’t change that. But I’m one of those people who believe everything in life tastes better with a little Stamos. (Sometimes, I add Stamos to my food before I even taste it.) I never watched Jake in Progress either, but I firmly believe it was better for having had John Stamos in it.

Would I return to ER after an eight-year absence strictly for the Stamos? Probably not. What I will do is imagine what a Stamo-licious ER might look like. Now, from what I understand, he plays a paramedic who’s also a Gulf War I veteran and a medical student. Sounds like a meaty, complex role, worthy of The Stamos.

[Open on exterior STAMOS, driving an AMBULANCE.]

STAMOS: Hello, ladies!

[LADIES giggle. STAMOS produces large, shiny guitar]

STAMOS: I was in a war.

[LADIES get very serious. Maybe some sad music here. Beat.]

STAMOS: Who wants to hear me play “Jesse’s Girl”?

LADIES: Me! Me! Me!

[MING NA approaches sexily]

STAMOS: Are you even on this show anymore?

MING NA: Does it matter?

STAMOS: Hell no!

[MAKE-OUTS all around. Tasteful fade to credit sequence.]

Is this accurate? Someone who actually watches this show, please, write in, let me know if I should go ahead and drop this in the mail to NBC.

addCredit(“John Stamos: Paul Drinkwater”)