Apples and Apples: The name game

By now, you’ve probably heard: Over in Britain, there’s much ado about 40-year-old fruit. And it may change the way you listen to music. Actually, it probably won’t. But it may change the logo you’re looking at when you’re listening to music.

Apple Computer is being sued by Apple Corps, the record company owned by Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and the estates of John Lennon and George Harrison. And this isn’t the first time. The brawl began in 1981, when Apple Corps laid into Steve Jobs over the name, and the computer maven quietly paid out a settlement and promised never to use the name and Apple logo to sell music. Flash forward to today: Steve Jobs is selling music. And not out of his trunk, either.

If Apple Corps wins the case, Apple/iTunes must desist in its use of the Apple logo, and a new trial commences to assess damages. If Apple Corps demands a significant portion of Apple’s iPod/iTunes revenue, well, that’s a lot of cider in the bucket.

Now we don’t want that to happen to poor old multi-jillionaire Steve Jobs. So let’s help him out, folks: What name/logo should Apple adopt to mollify the evil Beatles?

1. SCRAPPLE The advantage here is, “Apple” is still in the name. So all they’ve got to do is send an intern around to spray paint “SCR” on every iPod, poster, TV commercial and computer screen in the world. The Downside: The logo becomes… well… scrapple. Delicious, but only if you don’t look at it.

2. KUMQUAT Hey, it’s a funny word! The Downside: Probably already registered by a porn site.

3. [PRINCE GLYPH] Stylish! And great for extricating oneself from legal tangles. The Downside: The world will mock you.

4. CORN NUTS It is doubtful Apple Computer will get into the Corn Nuts business. And if they do, wouldn’t it fun to be sued by Corn Nuts? It would make Corn Nuts so happy, just to be noticed by someone other than the Starvin’ Marvin clerk who’s always calling to crab about restocking. The Downside: Ranch Corn Nuts aren’t quite as delicious as you think they’re going to be.

I digress. So let’s let my co-blogger Gary sum up this madness: “Will they sue Gwyneth Paltrow next?” Probably. But her kid always looked like an “Arista” to me, anyway.