Some celebrities are bigger than life. Others are slightly bigger than 8 inches. Into this latter category falls Wilmer Valderrama (pictured), legendary conquistador and Best Supporting Stereotype on That ’70s Show. (FYI, Fez is also a multimillionaire, his show having landed a second round of syndication.)

Valderrama’s bedroom exploits have remained whispers until recently — after all, a gentleman does not kiss and tell. Unless a gentleman is booked on Howard Stern’s new Sirius radio show. Then a gentleman tells EVERYTHING. We’re talking amazing, amazing secrets! Secrets like these: Lindsay Lohan is good in bed. Jennifer Love Hewitt is good in bed. Mandy Moore is good in bed. Ashlee Simpson is loud in bed. In other words, things most of us had already either guessed, fantasized, or fan-fic-ed.

Wilmer didn’t really say any of his lucky ladies were bad in bed. Could this mean Wilmer, with a bedpost so notched it’s structurally unsound, might be — how do you say? — EASY? I don’t want to trot out the “s” word just yet; I’m merely saying that he’ll jump into bed with any gorgeous, famous actress who walks into the VIP room. I’m sorry, but what happened to standards? (Go here for more details, if your pervy ways are not yet sated.)

Brace yourselves for a flurry of denials, retractions, and fits, all of which will provide you, reader, the opportunity to get titillated all over again. Thank you, Wilmer. Thank you for actually living the life we all kind of imagined you were living anyway. And thank you, in advance, for repopulating the planet in the event of a cataclysm.

addCredit(“Wilmer Valderrama: Jamie McCarthy/”)