Ellen Barkin
Credit: Ellen Barkin: Stephen Lovekin/

Because a lot of suckers (including this one) saw the luxuriantly self-indulgent Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen will begin principal photography on July 21. (See what happens when you go to the movies, America?) The new-model Ocean’s will feature Ellen Barkin (pictured) as a May-December love-interest for Matt Damon’s character. (In Hollywood, land of Lolita-seeking septuagenarians, such a pairing is considered a boldly progressive gender switch, and will doubt earn some Warner executive an armistice with the hordes of unemployed over-30 actresses now numerous enough to form their own violent hobo army.)

But the real question is, how “meta” will Ocean’s Thirteen get? My guess is, Julia Roberts will play Julia Roberts playing a character who looks like Julia Roberts who, in fact, is Julia Roberts. And it will be shot entirely at Spago, between courses. Except it won’t be Julia Roberts at all. It’ll be Lyle Lovett. No, Billy OCEAN. No, a cardboard standee of Billy Ocean! Wearing an ironic T-shirt! And let’s not discount the possibility that the movie has already started, and this blog is part of it! I could be on camera right now! Playing myself! Except, you know, famous! And you’re all in the movie too! Somebody, quick, post a comment — it’s your line!

addCredit(“Ellen Barkin: Stephen Lovekin/”)