So I wake up this morning, mix my Ovaltine, floss my toes, and then this pops up:

Phoebe Cates, it seems, is now a kindly shopkeep. She’s opened her own li’l boutique. When I think of Phoebe Cates’ shop, I think of a wonderland stocked with crimson Fast Times bikinis (pictured) and surplus merchandise from Gremlins 2: The New Batch. But that’s not it at all. She sells shawls. Shawls! On Madison Ave. This makes me feel old.

And this doesn’t help: Yes, Kevin Arnold is having a baby. A Savage child is coming into this world! In August! And before you know it, that baby will have its first voiceover. (Typically, voiceover begins at age 3.) Time marches on. Check it — Savage’s Wonder Years sidekick, Josh “Paul Pfieffer” Saviano, is a friggin’ corporate attorney.

And Keri Russell is 30. Well, good for her. So am I. We’ll probably be across from each other in the rest home. Provided I can, post-Social Security, afford a suitably Felicitous rest home, i.e. one that’s not corrugated and labeled “This End Up.”

But old age isn’t all tragedy and cancellation. Look at these punky lovebirds. Chrissy Hynde, 54, and Steve Jones, 55, together again on the latter’s LA radio show. Thirty years ago, one was a proto-Pretender, the other a snub-nosed Sex Pistol. It began so sweetly: “Jones recalled a liaison in a bathroom at a party. But Hynde said the most memorable thing about that encounter was that she briefly dropped her vegetarian ways and ate a piece of meat afterwards.” It’s practically a punk On Golden Pond. Off-air, I’m sure Hynde whispered, “You’re my knight in shining leather!”

And now I’m off to Ben-Gay my entire body.

addCredit(“Fast Times at Ridgemont High: Everett Collection”)