By Scott Brown
Updated March 23, 2006 at 08:15 PM EST

Guys, close that Nerve profile with the bespectacled “hipster hottie” who keeps Finnegan’s Wake on her bedstand and promises exotic sexual gymnastics she has no intention of performing. Have I got a girl for you!

Single White Harpy, 67, famous, plasticine social critic ISO powerful, rich schmuck for long walks in the rain (okay, short walks–I melt) and photo ops. Must enjoy awards shows and red carpets, and find on-air crackups charming. Must have sense of humor and be resistant to benzine. (I sweat benzine.) Must not team up with daughter to smother me in my sleep.

Interested? Go here for more details.

addCredit(“Joan Rivers: Stephen Lovekin/WireImage.com”)

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